Fun fact, I’m as chill as an animal being hunted for sport. I’m not sure what happened, all I know is that it feels like I’ve been in a fight-or-flight state my whole life. I grew up painfully shy and it only progressed to shaking before giving a Starbucks order, not being able to catch my breath during tests, constant stomach aches and being able to elevate my heart rate by lying in bed and thinking about going to the store. Life felt draining and filled me with dread instead of excitement. I thought college would give me the exposure therapy I needed, but when things went much more downhill than I imagined and I became depressed, I sought out therapy and a psychiatrist. Ultimately, I was prescribed Lexapro (Escitalopram), a type of antidepressant classified as a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). Basically, it increases the amount of serotonin in your brain.
I was very apprehensive. The thought of something working to alter my brain chemistry made me nervous. And in the back of my mind, I felt ashamed about getting on psychiatric medication. I had thoughts like, “Other people aren’t on it, am I just sensitive?”; “Am I taking the easy way out?”; “What’s wrong with me?”
Fast forward a year later, and I’m now in a state where I feel secure enough that I’m thinking about weaning off. I want to share what this past year has been like, not as medical advice, but hopefully as useful insight for those who are considering medication.
The first 1-2 months were the roughest and can be summed up in one word: fatigue. The drowsiness was otherworldly. I’d get back from campus and take a 4-hour nap, wake up feeling like a zombie and proceed to sleep another 12 hours. You can imagine my productivity was very, very low. Studying felt nearly impossible. Apologies to my friends for witnessing my awful snoozing face during class.
I didn’t have much of an appetite during that time, but it’s honestly probably just because I would’ve much rather been sleeping.
The months after this adjustment period, I finally felt like the medication was doing what it was supposed to do. My ruminating thoughts weren’t as pervasive and I felt like my mind had gone from chaos to a gentle hum. I remember sitting outside after ordering a coffee anxiety-free and thinking, “I think I like this little life.”
I would say that fatigue is still present. Is it as bad as the first two months? No, but I’d be lying if I said my energy levels are the same as before Lexapro. This is the biggest reason why I’m thinking about tapering off this medication. At the start, I happily accepted the fatigue because of the peace of mind Lexapro offered me, but now after a lot of therapy, I feel like I’m equipped to handle my mental health without medication.
Again, this isn’t medical advice. Only a professional can discuss with you whether medication may be a good option. I can, however, say that while medication really helped me, it was in combination with other wellness methods. Therapy was a life changer. It taught me coping skills, ways to reframe my thoughts and overall a new mindset: things that can’t really be put into tablet form. Not to mention, I took a semester-long break and went home to my dog (Hi Kiro).
I think it’s time to view mental health as no different than going to a doctor for a broken arm. I’m not telling you that medication is always the answer, but I believe you should do whatever you think is best for yourself without worrying about judgment from others. If that means medication, then that’s not something you should be embarrassed about. You deserve to live the life you want!