Some like it hot?

Have you ever met someone who was perfect on paper, someone who seemed like the answer to every silent wish you’d sent to the universe, and yet, somehow, your heart just wasn’t in it? It’s a strange feeling and one of those maddening relationship dilemmas, the kind that forces you to ask the question we all dread: Am I the problem? But I don’t think that’s really what’s at play here. Instead, I’ve been wrestling with this: just how crucial is that initial spark when it comes to love?

We met the way most college romances begin, at a crowded bar. I was about to call it a night when my friend stopped me in my tracks to introduce us, and we hit it off right away. He was thoughtful, a little shy and had that perfectly imperfect grungy vibe that made me think, Yes, this could work. “I knew you’d like him,” my friend said with a smirk. And all signs pointed to yes. My brain was screaming, Don’t let him slip away. But my heart? It was suspiciously quiet.

When life gets this confusing, there is only one thing you can do: Call your long distance best friend. So, I called Giselle and told her about my non-problem. “I don’t know if it’s me,” I confessed, “or if my gut’s trying to tell me something.” Her advice? Communication is everything. Which, of course, is something I say all the time. I knew I should talk to him, but something deeper made me feel guilty — like I was letting down someone who had done absolutely nothing wrong. I decided to keep my heart open and assess my feelings further down the line.

About a week later, back at home, my roommate wanted all the juicy details of my latest date. She took one look at my face, recognized the guilt and indecision swirling behind my smirk, and went straight for the truth. “You tried, and the shoe doesn’t fit. Don’t beat yourself up over it.” Yet, she didn’t let me off the hook entirely. “Just don’t string him along. If you know it’s not going anywhere, it’s kinder to rip the band-aid off now.”

But was I really leading him on, or was I just giving this thing time to grow? Maybe the butterflies were fashionably late. Maybe gradual attraction is better, healthier even, than the instant, head-over-heels spark. Sure, picking up Chipotle on the way home is fast and easy, but isn’t a homemade meal so much more satisfying? Is love any different?

“It’s nice that you feel bad,” she added, “but you shouldn’t. When was the last time a man felt bad about rejecting a girl? They play ‘smash or pass’ like it’s nothing.” She was often hyper cynical about relationships, but I had to admit that her words resonated a bit. We’ve all experienced the casual cruelty of men who shrug us off without a second thought. Yes, he was nice, but he was still a man, and for once, I had the power here. But there I was, stuck. I could act like a man, guiltlessly bail after enjoying a few lovely dinners, or I could do the “womanly” thing and overthink it, analyze it, pick it apart until I’d convinced myself of every possible outcome. Was I on the verge of throwing away something that actually had potential? Or was I just delaying the inevitable?

I had class the next day, and there he was – a man who thrived on witty banter. He teased me, his words quick and sharp, and he commanded the room, even if that room was just a classroom. He wasn’t my type, not even close, and I hadn’t felt a particular pull toward him before. But something about our back-and-forth made me notice him in a different way that day, made me realize what I might have been missing.  I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty, like I was cheating on the perfect guy I’d been holding onto, even though something about this new direction was pulling me in a way I couldn’t ignore.

I thought back to times when a slow start ended with a success story. Take my older sister: in college, she got asked out by a guy she barely noticed in high school. At first, she felt nothing — no fireworks, no magic. But she stuck with him, letting the connection grow slowly. She told me their relationship had four years of friendship as its foundation, while here I was, already diving headfirst into the deep end, hoping to land on solid ground. They’re about to celebrate their seven year anniversary. 

So, head or heart? The two voices were at war. Maybe I guarded my heart too much and wasn’t used to someone treating me well. Or maybe it was the predictability, the lack of mystery. He was always there, always available, always replying to my texts before I’d even hit send. It was everything I thought I wanted, but oddly, it left me feeling…a little flat. Maybe the chase is essential, that spark of excitement that only comes when someone is just out of reach.

Is a relationship without the early spark doomed from the start? No, not in every case. Some people thrive on the slow burn. But in my case, no matter how lovely a man is, or how perfectly everything aligns, a relationship without the initial sizzle tends to end in a quick fizzle. 

-Love, Nessa

• college
• dating
• love
• relationships