As summer winds down and the chill in the air sets in, many young people find themselves longing for love at a time when a happy, healthy relationship seems out of reach. Social media showcases happy couples sipping hot chocolate, picking fruit, ice skating and partaking in other seasonal activities. While we can always do these things with our friends (and we should!), sometimes we long to share these moments with someone special. While the cold seasons can be the most magical time of the year for some, it is discouraging and depressing for others.Â
Instead of succumbing to the bitterness of spending the holiday season without a partner, I reached out to my grandparents, who have been my lifelong example of love. My grandparents, Diana and Terrence Hoffman have been together since their college days in nursing and business school in the 1960s.
Both were living in Ohio, and they met at a party that my grandfather’s fraternity was hosting, where he promptly asked my grandmother to dance. They’ve been inseparable ever since. “He just kept coming back to see [her, and calling [her],” said Diana following their first meeting.
From Terrence’s perspective, it was a twist of fate. He had initially wanted to dance with my now godmother, but she was unavailable. However, after their first dance, he knew then what he had wanted. “[He] thought she was pretty nice, so [he] would just drive down after school and show up…because [he] liked her.”Â
They summarized the early days of their relationship by adding that they only went out for about a week before they made it official and then married a year later. “Time was precious,” Terrence added.
Diana had never planned on getting married as a child of divorce, resulting in time at the orphanage with her sisters. She didn’t want what happened to her to happen to her children, “but [Terrence] helped her take care of that,” he said. Diana’s worldview shifted after dating Terrence, as he made her feel secure for the first time. Their love had begun to change them as people. They realized then that they would always make an effort for one another, because they ultimately cared about the other more than themselves.
A beginning landmark for this shift came at the beginning of their marriage, driving to Ohio. “[They] had what [they] called the shades of gray discussion,” said Terrence. While Terrence often saw things within a gray area, Diana only saw them in black and white when it came to perspective.
“In [his] world, things were not black and white,” he said, further sharing this ideology with Diana. Moving forward, Diana took on that new perspective, examining the nuances of an issue before making assumptions, strengthening their relationship and ability to face problems together and communicate.Â
Communication was heavily emphasized, specifically through the act of active listening. In the first two to three years of their marriage, the young couple attended marriage courses with the Catholic church, which they cite their long-term communication strategies with, “It’s gotta work both ways,” which Terrence emphasized, adding that it must, “be done in a quality way so that it’s done with respect so that it’s done with attention-and intention too.”
By listening attentively, they reinforced their teamwork as a romantic partnership. As financial barriers and children came along, they found ways to stay on the same page, such as sitting down and sorting through finances together annually and checking with one another before making a decision related to their children. This has successfully led to virtually no arguments in their 54-year-long relationship as they re-hone their tactics to ensure they understand one another and find a compromise.
I did not neglect to ask about the secret to finding a partner in crime, to which they both gave separate but important responses. “You need to find a social opportunity…meet people in non-threatening situations where there’s no expectation,” Terrence said. In a world of social media, he acknowledges the influence technology has had on the dating world, though at the end of the day, face-to-face communication is critical. “Develop situations where you can actually be there in person, not on social media,” he added.
In addition, Diana emphasizes the importance of self-concept and identity. “Make sure that you know and understand yourself. What’s happening to you and your life.” Developing a strong sense of self with goals and passions will make other elements of your romantic life come easier.
The pair feel that many relationships don’t last because people are not ready to enter one in the first place. They argue that actively working on one’s shortcomings will allow almost anyone to enter a new relationship with an open mind and a healthy headspace.Â
While Terrence and Diana were very fortunate to find each other at a young age, they have continued to care for one another and cherish each other’s company. Whether through fast food dates at the park, a trip to France or a morning spent in comfortable silence, they still find new ways to stay connected.
The world is very different from when they met at that fateful party. While it’s important to be realistic that in the age of fraternity parties and social media, things do not always come easy, anything is possible. Love exists all around us in both mundane and exciting forms, and hopefully, this serves as a reminder that it exists within us, too.