It is as old as time: a rhythm to human connection-the dance of yearning and retreat, twined with love, fear, and desire. But at its core is two ways: the anxious attached seeker, who, despite himself or herself, finds it difficult to regain a secure footing unless comforted by his or her partner; and the protective avoidant, who actually pushes his or her partner away in order to “protect” himself or herself. Their steps are different, yet they seem to call out to each other in the choreography that at once feels fated and fraught.
Attachment theory, first initiated by John Bowlby and then continued by Mary Ainsworth, helps in understanding the attachment patterns we construct in childhood that might continue to adulthood. The securely attached individual innately does intimacy easily, while for other individuals with anxious or avoidant attachment patterns, intimacy is often a crushing push-and-pull proposition.
Anxious attachment: With an urgent longing for intimacy and reassurance, the anxious attachment creates a fear of abandonment. The anxious attached may become insatiable in seeking reassurance or be convinced that the emotional needs were too much for their partner to handle.
Avoidant Attachment-Individuals with this type of attachment value independence and at times fear intimacy as a kind of threat to one’s autonomy. They withdraw their approachability as closeness deepens in an intimate relationship to avoid the threat of vulnerability.
One thing which is always so tragically fascinating in the dynamic of these attachments, the intense push and pull among the partners in such relationships is always a little confusing.
The yearner: Reaching for the Light
The anxious lover is like a moth mesmerized by the flickering flame. It holds out the promise of warmth, safety, and connection, so it flutters closer, desperate to feel its radiance. Every time that distance is shortened, the flame flickers and recedes, just enough to keep the moth hovering in the liminal space, suspended between hope and despair.
Their love is a flame of longing, a melody sung on the fragile lines of their heart. Each step forward is a plea: “See me” , “Love me” , “Hold me”. But the flame, being notorious for being unstable, carries on it’s dance to avoid being consumed by the intensity of the moth’s desires.
The Flame: Standing Guard on the Boundary
The flame-brightly burning yet fiercely protective of its boundaries is the avoidant partner. It dreads the proximity the moth seeks-to its fragile existence-a threat. It always flickers backward, entering into its own darkness, it’s movements are almost reflexive.
The flame lives on to burn without being doused, it wants to shine without being blinded. It dances to escape the moth’s intensity while it screams, “I want to shine for you, but I never want to be a part of your longing.”
The Dance Floor: A Battlefield of Paradoxes
The space between them is the ballroom of life, it is a battleground of the fear of being held and the intensity of wanting to be held. Once, these opposing forces clash. While the anxious keeps on reaching out and dances towards them, the avoidant keeps on withdrawing, feariful of spoiling the sanctity of their solitude and of losing the silence that exists within the walls they’ve built against the world.
It is paradoxical waltz where the harmony could neither be found by either in rhythm with the other, to bring harmony.
Being pulled into this dance, both wonder, how? why? they are the way are, their fragments of broken childhoods, broken experiences come together and shine to reflect who they are.
Breaking the choreography
But what if the dance could change? What if the moth learned how to find light within itself, it’s wings strong and steady, not pulled by any whimsical flame? What if the flame learned to burn softly, its warmth inviting, its flicker constant enough to invite closeness?
It is only when they see the strings that the partners can break the cycle. They have to be informed from where their steps come, the fears that determine the rhythm. Only then will they begin to dance freely, choreograph a new dance on which understanding and compassion stand.
A new dance
Unlearning old steps to land into new ones is never an easy game. The moth has to admit its fear of darkness, the flame had to confess its fear of being quenched. It demands patience as both learn to step in sync, trusting that other’s movement no longer poses a threat.
This dance is slower, more deliberate, allowing for yearning and withdrawal, but for the longing of stillness, the moth resting its wings, the flame burning steady.
From then on, their embracing becomes not a frantic pursuit but the sharing of presence.
the truth
It’s not just a moth dance- flame dance, anxious and avoidant. It is also a reminder that this dance of yearning and retreat plays itself out between connection and autonomy, intimacy and independence, a perpetual struggle of humankind.And like every dance, love requires practice and patience and the courage to face the music.
In the final end, the dance need not have to perfect. Instead, it may be a duet in which both the partners find their footing, their rhythm, and their peace when done with awareness and intention. The yearning and retreat then morph into the very epitome of beautiful flow with its beautiful imperfection and the power of growth.
We all struggle with dance-to find, not to escape but love each other, and not to fight but to love. Bur slowly we learn the key steps and the major flows.
For in the dance, we find not only each other but ourselves.
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