Balancing between friendships and romantic partners can be difficult sometimes. If you hang out with your partner too much, your friends may take that as you abandoning them for what feels like forever, but if you spend too much time with your friends, you may feel that you aren’t spending enough quality time with your romantic partner. You want to please both relationships, but sometimes, it feels like your partner is all you need. But what you should know is, having that kind of thought process can actually be very harmful to yourself and your romantic counterpart.
I was once stuck in this constant loop of feeling too overwhelmed to satisfy both relationships, so much so that I stuck to just one. It felt like my heart was pulling me to my love, but my mind told me to focus on my other relationships. My boyfriend always reminded me of the importance of independence and how sometimes acting independent doesn’t mean you don’t care for the relationship. Being so new to having a boyfriend, I couldn’t believe it. I felt that because I loved him, it meant that my world constantly revolved around him. He was the Earth, and I was the moon, always gravitating toward him. I didn’t realize how much I hurt my friendships until it was too late.
During the first few months of being with my boyfriend, we always stuck to each other like chicle, as our families would tell us, and at first, we enjoyed every minute of it. We made lasting memories watching my favorite films, but it eventually became so consistent that my boyfriend explained that he needed time for himself. It cracked my sensitive heart for a minute, but I needed to hear it. That conversation about independence was the most in-depth talk we had ever had. He explained that focusing on relationships outside of our own is valuable. It keeps us sane and prevents us from becoming bitter with each other, which was already starting to form. Of course, I cried during this whole discussion because I felt my boyfriend didn’t enjoy the time we spent together. I didn’t realize that he was doing me a favor.
I reflected a lot, to the point where I questioned all my actions after deciding to be with him. Why did I stop making the effort to be with my friends, the ones I adored so much? Why did I change? My mind became so scrambled with questions that I eventually reached out, but she never responded. I damaged a relationship with someone I could laugh with, all for a boy. It was so out of character for me. Eventually, my mental health declined, and I became more irritable towards my boyfriend because I felt so bitter about becoming someone that I didn’t recognize. We argued more and more. I blamed him for becoming the kind of person that I swore to myself and my friends that I would never become. My mind turned into a black, gooey monster that would make me spew out words I didn’t mean. The bitter monster engulfed and swallowed me whole until I was completely unrecognizable. I longed for my friends. I longed for my friendship, similar to my favorite TV show, Sex and the City. I wanted to be me again.
It took a while to get over the embarrassment of what felt like crawling back to my friends, begging them on my hands and knees to forgive me. I was honest with them about what I had been feeling and how guilty I felt for abandoning them. The best part of these kinds of long-term friendships is they always understand and will forgive you no matter what. A weight was lifted off my shoulders, and I wept. It felt like I could finally breatheā€“ the bitter monster melted away and sizzled out until it became nonexistent.
Being independent doesn’t correlate to no longer adoring and loving your partner, but emphasizes the importance of focusing on relationships outside your romantic ones. Having friends keeps you sane and prevents you from mentally harming yourself and your partner. Balancing between these two kinds of relationships doesn’t need to be difficult. Have these conversations with your partner and make the effort to plan dates with friends, because as much as we love our other half, sometimes taking breaks benefits the both of you to do things you desire outside of your relationship. Remember, we’re all human, and it’s okay to make mistakes. But, if there are any imbalances within yourself, reflect on it and improve it.