Edited by: Abheri Banerjee
Hi guys,
I don’t know if I’ll ever send this. Maybe I won’t. Maybe writing it down is just my way of letting go, of saying what’s been stuck in my chest for so long. But here I am, writing anyway.
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Too long since we last talked the way we used to. I thought that when I came to college, everything would stay the same. I thought we’d pick up right where we left off. After all, we’d been through so much together – so many memories, so many moments I thought we’d always share. But now it feels like I don’t even know where to start.
I keep thinking about how it used to be. I remember the long phone calls, the way we’d talk about everything and nothing. It felt like you were always there, like nothing could change that. But somewhere, somehow, it did. I tried reaching out, I swear I did. I messaged you, I called, I tried to hold onto what we had. But it felt like I was the only one trying. And slowly, I stopped.
I can’t help but think back to those first few months away at college. I’d see your names pop up in the group chat, and for a moment, it felt like I hadn’t left. But then I’d open the messages and find out you’d already called each other, had full conversations, even made plans that didn’t include me. I’d sit there, scrolling through your messages, trying to catch up on conversations I hadn’t even known were happening, trying to find a way to jump in without seeming like I was forcing it.
One time, I remember, you guys were talking about something that happened with one of our mutual friends, and I had no idea what was going on. I asked for details, tried to join the conversation, but it was like I was intruding on something private. The replies I got felt short, almost distant, like you didn’t really want to explain. It hurt because it felt like you had shared lives now, lives I wasn’t a part of anymore. I felt left out, but I kept hoping that maybe it was just a phase, that maybe I’d still get to be a part of those stories, that laughter, that closeness.
It got harder each time. I’d watch as you guys made plans to meet up, plans that you didn’t even run by me. At first, I tried to brush it off, thinking maybe you’d forgotten to mention it. But then, as it kept happening, it felt intentional, like maybe you were moving on without me, like you didn’t even realize I was missing from these plans. I’d see the pictures later on, the fun you all had, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel this pang of jealousy mixed with sadness. I wanted so badly to be there, to still be part of the memories you were making.
I know it sounds silly, but I even kept trying to initiate calls or suggest meet-ups when I was back in town. I thought that maybe if I took the first step, if I reached out, you’d remember what we had, that we’d slip back into that comfort and closeness we used to share. But the calls felt one-sided; either you were busy, or it felt like the conversation didn’t flow as it once did. I started to feel like a stranger, like I was on the outside looking in on something that used to belong to me, but that had somehow shifted, leaving me behind.
And I think that’s what hurts the most – not just that we’ve changed, but that I’m finally realizing I can’t make you stay the same for me. You’re living your life, meeting new people, finding your way, and I’m stuck here, feeling like I’m holding onto a version of you that doesn’t exist anymore. I wanted you to stay the same for me, wanted us to stay the same. But I guess that’s not how life works.
Coming home for break, I thought maybe things would be different. I thought we’d hang out like old times, talk and laugh without that strange awkwardness. But when we met up, it felt forced. I felt like I was meeting people who were no longer my closest friends but acquaintances who shared a history I was somehow part of yet felt excluded from. I realized that we had grown apart without even acknowledging it.
I miss you. I miss the way we were. I miss feeling like I had a place in your lives, like I was part of the group, someone you wanted to include. But I’m starting to realize that maybe I’m missing something that doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe we’ve outgrown each other without even realizing it. Maybe that’s okay, maybe that’s just part of growing up. But it still hurts. It feels like I’m grieving for something that’s no longer there.
I don’t know what’s next for us. Maybe we’ll reconnect, maybe we won’t. But right now, I don’t think I’m ready to let go completely. I’m holding on to the memory of what we had, but I know that might not be enough anymore. And maybe that’s the hardest part – to admit that sometimes, things aren’t meant to last.
I’m not sending this. I don’t think you’d even know how to respond. And I don’t think I need a response. I think I just needed to say it, to get it out. Maybe this is my way of letting go, of acknowledging that we’ve changed, that we’ve drifted. Maybe I’ll stop wondering what happened, stop holding onto the past. Maybe I won’t.
But wherever you are, I hope you’re doing okay. And I hope you’ve found what you need, even if it’s no longer with me. I’ll always remember us – remember the friendship we had, and I’ll keep it in my heart. But for now, I think it’s time to move on.
Take care,
Minal