“Distance makes the heart grow fonder.” It’s a phrase many of us in long-distance relationships have and will hear over and over from well-meaning but maybe slightly-out-of-touch parents who have been out of the dating pool for years, or single friends who are currently enjoying the dating pool on campus. Of course, it’s true! Naturally, you do miss your partner when you’re apart and prolonged distance can make reunions that much sweeter. Nonetheless, the weeks or months apart can suck. The two of you may fight, be busy, be unable to FaceTime, or any number of small things that feel bigger with distance.Â
About a year and a half into my long-distance relationship, I have five tips to help you navigate the complex but rewarding challenges that inevitably arise from a long-distance relationship.Â
Deciding whether or not you want to continue a relationship into long-distance, or whether you want to enter into a new relationship as long-distance are related but separate topics, and are generally more personal. If you are grappling with that question, this article may help you. But, I’ve found these five tips, which mostly come back to effective communication, can be applied to most relationships to some degree. Â
Understand your phases
If you are long-distance with your partner for the first time, you may need about 2 months (or two cycles of distance-visit-distance) to fully grasp what I will call your “long-distance cycle.” What do I mean by this? Each individual in a couple naturally goes through cycles; days where you feel super obsessed with your partner, normal days, and sometimes days where they’re just on your nerves. Don’t feel like you need to break up with your partner if they bother you for a day or two- this is normal. Similarly, don’t go into a panicked spiral if your partner’s texts are dry for a bit. Always feel comfortable asking if everything is okay, but refrain from asking if they’re mad at you repeatedly.Â
Fighting is normal!
On this note, remember that fighting is normal. It can even be healthy if you speak respectfully to each other and let each person get things off their chest. It’s much better to have little disagreements throughout the weeks than one blowup fight every few months, where each side unloads all the resentment they have been sitting with. It’s also important to keep in mind that sometimes you may squabble just because you miss each other. It’s always a good idea to reflect when you feel upset at your partner and identify why you’re upset. Did they say or do something hurtful? Or are you more upset that they’re so far away?
Communicate about communication!
This tip will have three holy grail tips rolled into one. First, agree about when you will call or FaceTime throughout the week. This can vary vastly between relationships depending on schedules, and maybe it will even fluctuate week to week within your relationship. The important thing is that one partner isn’t left wanting to call every day, while the other is more content with a weekly Sunday FaceTime. Feel free to pick a minimum amount of calls per week, and just go with the flow if you feel like talking more.Â
Similarly, agree about how often you’ll text throughout the day. Maybe a nightly FaceTime means you don’t text throughout the day, or maybe you text every few hours with updates. I’m personally a constant texter and my boyfriend and I leave each other strings of texts for the other while they’re busy or in class. For me, this helps us show that we’re thinking of each other, but others may not need this constant interaction.Â
Finally, let them into your school life! Talk to them about your friends, your classes, and your dining halls. Let them feel like they’re still a part of your life even though not physically present. It’s never a great feeling for your partner to talk about getting lunch with someone and you don’t recognize the name. Though you can’t know everybody and everything, it’s nice to know your partner’s friend group and the basics of their school.Â
Balance your visits
This next tip is not immediately obvious, but is something I’ve learned after 10+ visits back and forth between Brown and NYU. Build in chill time to your visits! It’s natural to want to show your significant other all of the fun things to do around your campus when they visit, and especially tempting to plan a million things to do around their city if it’s new to you. These little dates are awesome and a really fun way to spend time together as young adults. However, recognize that you essentially have a weekend or maybe a week to cram in all of the quality time you didn’t get to spend together over your last spell of distance. While some of that quality time would have been spent out and about, I’d guess a fair amount of it would have also been spent at home, napping or watching something together. A whirlwind weekend can take a lot of energy out of you both, and it’s nice to recharge together while you can. Make sure to plan time to enjoy your partner’s presence.
Listen, listen, listen
My last tip is perhaps the most important and fittingly, it comes from my boyfriend. It is so crucial to listen to your partner about everything. This is true for any relationship, but especially in long-distance, where it’s easy to be misunderstood and where little problems feel so much bigger. This doesn’t mean you always have to change your behavior or apologize according to what they’re telling you, but rather that you should always let them express how they’re feeling and then respond in a way that lets them know you hear them. If they ask for more of something, make a sincere effort to give them that. If they tell you they’re feeling stressed or sad, do your best to be there for them. Everybody enjoys knowing that their partner cares about their feelings, so do your part to show your partner you care. At the same time, request the same from your partner. Tell them how you feel and what you want. No one can read minds, but it’s even harder when your minds are hundreds of miles apart. Help them help you!Â
I know this guide was long, but I hope it was helpful and could give you some hope that long-distance relationships can work out. They require a lot of will, love, and effort, but are infinitely worth it in the end.