Letter to My First Year Self

Edited by: Ajitesh Vishwanath

Dear First Year Me,

I know you grew up obsessively watching Now You See Me, but when Atlas said “you should always be the smartest person in the room”, you may not want to take him seriously. The world is packed with people who might be smarter and more skilled than you. This presents a wonderful opportunity to embody a…sponge. To learn, listen and absorb all the knowledge that surrounds you. Doubt and uncertainty are an indicator of growth. This is your reminder that it is okay to be lost. To wonder if you belong. Especially after walking out of a discussion session and knowing the only contribution you made that day was a blank stare. Or when you see your peers endlessly discussing readings and you are up at 12 am in your room learning to pronounce “Dostoevsky”. As your future self, I can tell you that you will get the hang of it. You do belong, in your own, quirky way. But that does not necessarily mean you need to fit in. This is college, not a game of Tetris. 

A lot of my key learnings start with the sentence “it’s okay to” and try to oppose the question  “what if… ?”. Fair warning, this question will leave behind a trail of missed opportunities. You will trace your way back to pick them up and shape them into carefully worded submissions for club applications. And after copious amounts of caffeine and time, you will learn not to take any rejection email personally, because you realise that who you are can be defined beyond the rejections you face. 

Who are you? It is a crisis that might often come up since you will challenge every thought you have held so dear. The lines of right and wrong begin to get blurry and you will enter a loop of perpetual confusion because you cannot use only your lens to view the world anymore. I want you to understand that this means you are opening up to new perspectives, even ones that greatly differ from yours. You will begin to take these and weave them into your existing thoughts, growing every day. Then, upon reflecting you will realise that as much as you love your “main character” energy, the world is exponentially bigger than the picture your mind paints. 

Remembering this helps you understand that no interesting answer to the icebreaker question “What’s a fun fact about you?”, requires you to strain your bones under the weight of the made-up versions of yourself.  Eventually, you also make friends who will make this clearer. They love you for who you are and share dreams and fears similar to yours. In those moments life plays the theme song from F.R.I.E.N.D.S in the background and for a split second college does feel like a movie. 

 Unfortunately, most times it will feel monotonous and frustrating. The work gets overwhelming and you will seriously consider if the efforts you put in are meaningless. I hope that you do not get shackled by your own thoughts and fears. Consider that every seemingly banal step you take or choice you make will set into motion your future, like dominos. 

In all honesty, the takeaways you have after living through this year will be far more enriching than some advice shoved down your throat. So this letter is not to advise you, but to remind you that eventually, everything falls into place. You are always going to be plagued by questions even in the future but you will know better than to let it affect you. It will dawn upon you that while the thoughts are inevitable, you can choose your reaction to them. In fact, sometimes you will use these very thoughts to fuel your ambitions, not for anything else but just to be a better version of yourself(myself). And that I think, for now, is enough.

Lots of love and best wishes, 

Your second-year self. 

• ASHOKA UNIVERSITY
• first year
• learnings
• letter
• life