Content warning: This article discusses sexual assault.
I was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend during my sophomore year of high school.
We started dating when I was freshly 16 and he had just turned 18. Being a young, oblivious teenage girl in her very first relationship, I was absolutely convinced that I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man. I wish I could say that he was funny and had a ton of great personality traits that drew me towards him, but he didn’t. I was just young and naïve and assumed that just because a guy likes me, that means we’re supposed to date, even if we aren’t compatible with each other.
And while our relationship included those typical, innocent, teenage memories, there are a few key aspects of our relationship that drew red flags: arguments upon arguments, breaking up and getting back together several times, being pressured to do things I didn’t feel comfortable doing. Despite only lasting for a few months, our relationship wasn’t healthy in the slightest, but I didn’t realize it until several years later.Â
During my sophomore year of college, four years after we’d broken up, I was scrolling through my Notes app one day when I found a locked note. Curiously, I opened it, only to find a letter I’d written to myself years prior depicting several instances of being sexually assaulted by my ex-boyfriend.Â
What do you mean this man that I had once loved and cherished my time with had actually sexually assaulted me not just once, but several times?
Imagine my surprise reading this note, thinking I had a perfectly normal relationship, only for several traumatic memories to be shoved in my face, having unknowingly blocked them out. He came with me to New York to visit my extended family for Christmas, I met his family and he met mine, we went on innocent ice cream dates — what do you mean this man that I had once loved and cherished my time with had actually sexually assaulted me not just once, but several times?
When I first read the note, I was overwhelmed with so many emotions, and I honestly didn’t know what to think. I had wiped out almost all of our relationship from my memory, and it just felt so confusing reading about things I’d experienced without even remembering them.Â
I read the note to my therapist, and she told me it was sexual assault.“No, it wasn’t,” I immediately retorted. Despite reading this note and having detailed stories of being sexually assaulted, I still refused to admit that what happened to me was sexual assault. I knew that it was “bad”, but the words “sexual assault” just seemed so intense and scary.
My therapist called what happened to me “trauma,” and I immediately corrected her and said it was “frauma,” or “fake-trauma,” a common term I’d use in therapy in an attempt to pretend I had a happy, normal past, and that I wasn’t some girl with serious past trauma. I didn’t want to admit that this event had traumatized me, and had manifested its way into my relationships and sex life.
It feels embarrassing being 22 years old and not being able to communicate during sex. I’ve expressed this to my friends and even my therapist. I’ve been told, “You have to learn to communicate,” more times than I can even count, but it just feels like nobody understands.
As years went by and I reread the note over and over again, trying to make sense of things, I slowly had memories flood back. I remembered this happening to me, but it was weird — in the moment, I didn’t think anything bad about what was happening. Even writing the note, I didn’t think it was sexual assault. I still didn’t as I reread the note throughout the span of a few years.
I didn’t get panic attacks or PTSD flashbacks because of my assaults, and I didn’t have nightmares about what happened to me. I didn’t get triggered any time sexual assault was mentioned, and it didn’t have an effect on my everyday life. I found myself wondering, Isn’t that what happens to sexual assault victims?
Eventually, while I still couldn’t admit that what happened to me was sexual assault, I came to realize how severe of an impact it had on my relationships and the sex that I was having. It just feels like the words I’m trying to say can’t come out of my mouth when I’m trying to express how I feel or what I want during foreplay or sex. I try so hard, and sometimes I’ll even spend several minutes thinking about exactly what words I’m going to say, but I can’t quite articulate them.
It feels embarrassing being 22 years old and not being able to communicate during sex. I’ve expressed this to my friends and even my therapist. I’ve been told, “You have to learn to communicate,” more times than I can even count, but it just feels like nobody understands.
Within the few times I actually have managed to communicate how I feel during intimacy, I always manage to feel overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. Regardless of how much reassurance I’m given, it feels impossible to ignore the feelings that are rooted deep down as a result of my assaults. How am I supposed to communicate knowing that for such a long time, my voice didn’t matter whatsoever?Â
I still don’t know how I’m supposed to quite handle this revelation; am I supposed to feel different knowing that I was sexually assaulted six years ago?
Thoughts just consume my brain anytime I communicate with a guy, especially if I want to stop having sex due to being overstimulated or tired. My brain tells me, “You should feel bad. You should’ve kept having sex with him. Why did you stop? He wanted to keep having sex. What’s wrong with you? Who cares if you wanted to stop; he didn’t. You should feel guilty. It’s your job to please him. He’ll probably resent you and cut you off.”
Here’s the thing, though: sometimes, your brain is wrong. And in my case, it definitely was. It wasn’t until now, six years after this had happened and five years after I’d written the letter in my Notes app, that I finally was able to admit that I was sexually assaulted by my ex-boyfriend on several different occasions. I still don’t know how I’m supposed to quite handle this revelation; am I supposed to feel different knowing that I was sexually assaulted six years ago?
When I first started writing this article, I went into detail about my sexual assault. I craved validation, wanting others to hear what happened to me and confirm that it wasn’t just in my head, but that it was in fact sexual assault. Even though I’ve come to accept that I was sexually assaulted, I still sometimes feel like my experience “wasn’t bad enough.” But just because my sexual assault didn’t end with me at the hospital sobbing and badly injured, doesn’t mean that I wasn’t sexually assaulted. I shouldn’t have to give a detailed description of my trauma in hopes of convincing others that my story is valid, because it is.
But, someday, you’ll finally push past the denial. You’ll find the courage to face what happened to you and learn to accept that it happened, but that it also shaped you as a person.
I am a survivor of sexual assault. Yes, it happened when I was 16, and I didn’t realize it until I was 22, but that doesn’t change a thing. Sometimes, you don’t quite realize right away that you’re a victim, and maybe it takes a few weeks or months (or years, like me) to realize that what happened to you wasn’t right.Â
But, someday, you’ll finally push past the denial. You’ll find the courage to face what happened to you and learn to accept that it happened, but that it also shaped you as a person.
I’ve been under the impression that I’m supposed to find some meaning or growth from this happening to me. I felt like I was supposed to share what I’ve learned from this as a whole, or how I’ve changed for the better, but I kept drawing a blank. Oftentimes, I wish that I could go back in time and be the naĂŻve, traumaless girl that I was before I met him, and that’s OK.Â
I’ve come to realize that I don’t owe anyone some big, inspirational takeaway. What matters most is that I’m focusing on growing from this, and learning to reclaim my voice and power. There’s no simple ending to this story. Sometimes, it’s enough to simply just say, “This happened, but I’m OK, and I’m still here.”Â
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit hotline.rainn.org.