The holiday season is often associated with joy and togetherness, but it can also be a minefield of emotional challenges, mainly when gatherings include individuals who may not always have your best interests at heart. Whether itâs a distant relative whose opinions clash with yours, a toxic family member who seems to thrive on conflict or the awkward dynamics of a âFriendsgivingâ gone wrong, these scenarios can test even the most resilient.
As George Burns once said, “Happiness is having a loving, close-knit family in another city.” Families and friends come together in the spirit of celebration, so the pressure to maintain peace and decorum can feel overwhelming, mainly when tensions run high. For some, these interactions are manageable; for others, they can take a toll on mental health and emotional stability. Cognitive Behavioral Psychologist Steven Hampl, Ph.D., offers practical advice on navigating these tricky situations gracefully, providing strategies for minimizing stress, avoiding conflict and protecting your well-being during what should be the most wonderful time of the year.
Handling Toxicity
At my family gatherings, there is usually at least one person I can stand: my mother. She wants only one thingâa peaceful family dinner with everyone included. I asked Hampl if he believed in maintaining decorum in situations like this.
âYes–if you can tolerate the people that are going to be there.â
I pressed on the issue of toxic individuals being present, as this is a personal issue for me, and recent invitations to âFriendsgivingâ have left me feeling uninspired.
âI think it’s really a judgment call. I think that it depends if there’s going to be other people present who you can relate to and connect with and feel good about spending time with. If you can do that, then by all means, go and minimize the contact or the exposure to the people that are toxic to you. If you canât do that, then I wouldnât bother.â
As someone who exercises good mental health, I know what coping skills to use in stressful situations, but sometimes those skills should be tweaked to suit the problem more specifically. Hampl had some input on the topic.
âI think the capacity to ignore people is a really good skill. I think. Seriously, I think that you know, that’s kind of underrated. Sometimes, we just have to ignore things. I practice that all the time. It’s like I gotta bother with that, or that’s not even worth reacting to. I think you have to make that kind of assessment. I also think that if I’m going to a difficult event, I like to spend some time working on my breathing before I go. And I like to visualize, literally spending a few minutes visualizing how I’m going to comport myself, the kind of person I want to be at that event, which is usually being pleasant and, you know, trying to connect with people in a positive way.â
Navigating Uncomfortable Situations
He was also clear on what not to do and how to handle things if the situation turned pear-shaped.
âI don’t think holiday events are a time for dissension or getting into big arguments or political things. I refuse to engage on those issues, especially if I can see that it’s going to become a problem or escalate. I just won’t engage. I’ll just literally leave the room, you know.â
Hampl, like many people I know, believes in coping statements.
âAs you know, I develop coping statements unique for particular situations. I’m literally doing that right now. Honestly, I just started that yesterday, maybe two days ago, coming up with coping statements to deal with the election results. I got a ways to go with that. Okay, I’m still forming those because I’m still too upset to be really completely rational, but I am working on that. So I really believe in the value of developing tailored coping statements to a particular event.â
be prepared
Sometimes, though, itâs just not in our best interests to attend an event. Whether weâre not feeling up to it, the crowd gathered is toxic to us or itâs a case of both, sometimes itâs best to skip. We do this, though, knowing there will be consequences.
âYou have to be prepared for the backlash,” he added with a smile. âBut Iâm pretty good, personally, with dealing with backlash. You do have to anticipate consequences, though, of your actions. Kind of have to, you know, okay, my mother’s going to be upset. Okay. And then that’s going to lead to this or this. Is that a price I’m willing to pay to avoid this event? And yeah, that’s a price I’m willing to pay sometimes. And sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes I decide, you know, the other person’s welfare is really important to me.â
Takeaways
Navigating holiday gatherings with grace and mental resilience is a balancing act. The key takeaway from Hamplâs advice is that your peace of mind should always take priority. Whether itâs employing coping mechanisms like visualization and breathing exercises, crafting specific coping statements or simply mastering the art of disengaging, there are tools at your disposal to protect yourself while maintaining civility. The holidays are not the time for battles or deep conflictsâtheyâre an opportunity to preserve your own well-being and choose your battles wisely.
Sometimes, self-preservation means staying home, even if it ruffles feathers. The decision to decline an invitation might not be easy, but weighing the emotional toll against potential fallout is a step toward healthier boundaries. Ultimately, your mental health is worth any temporary backlash, and prioritizing your own well-being is a gift you can give yourself every holiday season.
