The weeks leading up to finals can be conflicting for any college student, it’s part of the gig. For those who are making big life decisions, it’s even more stressful as unexpected events keep popping up. Whenever I think it’ll get easier, life sort of slaps me in the face *cue the big slap of Marshall Ericksen from How I Met Your Mother*. I’ve found myself getting irritated at things that are out of my control, and that’s why I have learned to shift my energies.
Situationships, love-bombing, lost opportunities, optimism that more often than not feels meaningless, irritability, and that feeling of not knowing what I’m actually doing with my life, are all situations that can bring you down. That’s why I’ve started gearing my energies toward something more balanced, and what I’ve learned these past months, and what I keep learning through many new experiences, is that expectations drift over time and goals evolve. This realization made me wonder: What am I trying to gain from my last year of college?
Part of really thriving in your 20s should include a fineprint that specifies that you WILL probably experience at least a part of what’s shown in those coming of age films and novels. This past year, for instance, I was studying abroad in Europe and the trip opened my eyes to what I’d like to do, which is to not focus on what is constantly forced on me. So I organized a list with mentalities that I want to adopt in the near future: Take that plane, run to that train station, go to that friend’s gathering, say yes to that date, go on a happy-sad-irritated-confused walk, dance with someone (or even alone), accept that all nighters can be fun, admit that my social battery runs out and that’s okay, try ‘touching grass’ aka interact with nature more often, and other mindsets that I hope will turn any difficulty that I face into opportunities.
These past months have been rough from an academic perspective. Like many of us, I changed majors and questioned heavily if what I’m doing is actually clicking with me. I question everyday as an artist, and aspiring professional in the field, if my decisions are the most practical or if they align with my strengths. Sometimes my gut says to open a bookshop and work on artistic projects on the side; other days it tells me to be a teacher because I want financial security; other days I just dream of being a full time writer; and some rainy Tuesdays my fears and insecurities say none are plausible. Endless possibilities are infinite, I don’t love knowing there could always be a better option, it stresses me out. Therefore work in progress is my new line of thinking, my mental algorithm changes constantly but I will try to breath it out. In the past my mind went directly to “you made a mistake,” now I breathe and let those thoughts sit with me but not in a loop. If mistakes were made, you live, you learn and you keep going, not everything is forever.
After working to balance my energy and dealing with recent emotional turmoil, I’ve also begun to question who truly deserves my energy. I must confess that it’s gonna get personal, a fact that I’m not ready to admit. But this year I found myself deeply infatuated with someone I wanted to take a chance on, even though they did not feel the same way. I was drawn to the idea of this ideal person I had built up in my mind. After inevitably getting hurt, I chose to stay alone for a while. Then, as luck would have it—much like Emily in Paris—I met a person that was nearly perfect. It seemed like I had finally found an individual who got me, and patience and trust was built fast—perhaps way too fast, in a matter of months. You all know where this is going right? After being in a complete love-bombing type of situationship, I had to cut things off. The worst part was being left alone with only the many excuses and speeches we’ve heard at least once in our lives: “You deserve better,” “I am not in a good place right now,” and the final slap: “I hope you find someone who can treat you the way you deserve.” My Marcello moment in Europe came to its bittersweet end. I was devastated; not just from the rejection but from the realization that this experience stemmed from choices I knew could have been avoided. But I learned so much about myself and came to appreciate and cherish my friends and my “chosen loneliness” to another level. I appreciate time with myself now more than ever. Looking back, despite the pain, I’ve realized that I wouldn’t change a thing. This whole experience is perfect because of what it taught me: say yes to that date; keep an eye on the signs, but don’t reject what could be a wonderful opportunity; there is always space to grow, but you can have fun with the plot too.
It may sound like these words I wrote are just phrases that are cyclically repeated and don’t have a profound meaning beyond the obvious. I’d like to crush those expectations, because this little mess of words is just as messy as life will get! I don’t expect to philosophize all of my decisions or what yours might be.
Our college years are meant for making mistakes. So just try to take everything in, try not to say no just because you are afraid (still learning to embrace this one), and don’t stress about whatever you wish to achieve in these short years. My to-do list gets longer by the minute, I will not rush through it and honestly, neither should you! My last year of college will be quite different now that I have all the patience in the world with myself. Learning to be kind to one’s self is my new motto. I’m working on changing the narrative my mind creates, which is just a defense mechanism rooted in survival and science. Staying safe is not a bad thing, but what if big decisions require us to adventure a bit?