Worrying about your appearance is exhausting, believe me, I’ve been there – I guess I still am there. A few years ago, I was referred to a councillor due to body dysmorphia and the anxiety that came along with it. But let’s rewind a bit.
I’ve always been bigger than all the other girls my age, I’ve never been ‘skinny,’ and living in the society that we do, it made me feel awful. It’s crazy that from a young age I’ve always resented my appearance. I’ve never known what it truly feels like to be comfortable in my own skin. And what do most of us do when we feel down? We eat our feelings. As the years went on, my relationship with food was toxic. I would constantly find myself binging, which clearly didn’t do any good for my mental or physical health.
By the time I was 15, I cracked. My mental wellbeing had dwindled to practically nothing. I constantly felt disgusted and ashamed of myself. I felt anxious to go out, embarrassed by my appearance. I was so tired of everything that I honestly wished I didn’t exist. I wasn’t suicidal as such; it was more so that I wished I could just disappear. I didn’t know what to do. I felt so alone. I didn’t think anyone would understand, especially not my friends. I mean they’re all the beauty standard; they’re all thin.
I tried to get out of it myself, but I was not doing it in the right way. I tried starving myself, I would go days when I would eat barely anything, to the point of nearly passing out. Can I just say this was so incredibly stupid! After denying myself food, I would get so hungry that I would binge a couple of days after. So, I tried something else. I had seen these ‘weight loss teas’ online, and me being the idiot that I was, I bought a pack. They tasted rancid, I had to force them down. After drinking them for a little while I noticed… absolutely nothing. These teas don’t work, it’s just another toxic diet culture fad. I felt so lost in life, wandering through my barren mental state. So, I finally told my mum.
I remember saying I had something to tell her, and when I started, I completely broke down. I told her everything, from my negative thoughts, to the not eating, to the teas. Well, let’s just say she was not happy about the teas. She asked me to give them to her so she could throw them away. Which fair enough, things like that have no room in anyone’s home. She was also upset that I had gone on so long without saying anything. Therefore, she booked an appointment with my GP, to see what could be done to make me feel better.
That’s when I was referred to a councillor. I mentioned my body image issues, not just with my weight but also with the minor details in my face that bothered me. Multiple times a day I would find myself taking inverted photos to see what I looked like to others. With these photos I started obsessing over my face, the fact that it’s asymmetrical and slanted. I couldn’t stop worrying about and hating the fact that one eye is bigger and slightly higher than the other. I also couldn’t get over how my smile is crooked. I mean listen to this, I literally took a nail file and shaved down one of my teeth to try and make it more like the others. How messed up is that! I would also constantly check what my side profile looked like in the mirror, critiquing my jawline and chin. With this, my councillor asked me to make a list of things that I liked about myself and things that I didn’t. The negatives heavily outweighed the positives. I realised that I truly hated myself.
As the therapy sessions went on, I didn’t feel any better. I felt like the advice I was getting wasn’t helping. I was told to go for walks, but at the time I was too anxious to go out by myself, I was so nervous that people in passing cars were staring at me. I was also told to take baths and drink tea (the good kind,) as if these were remedies that would magically rewire my brain. So, I stopped going, I needed to help myself instead.
In 2022 I started going to the gym. I got myself a personal trainer and I have never looked back. I began my fitness journey which has not only improved my physical health but also my mental well-being and eating habits. I don’t feel as mentally drained as I used to. I am less anxious and more confident in myself. However, I’m still not entirely happy with my body. I don’t know if I ever will be.
Every now and then I catch myself body checking. Subconsciously I’ll pinch parts of my body like my chin or calves to assess for fat, or I’ll inspect photos that other people have taken of me – focused on how my eyes sit, critiquing my smile, looking at how my arms and legs are bigger than everyone else’s. There are days where I feel really good about how I look, thinking I look skinnier than what I did before. But then the next I feel like I’ve put on weight, and I feel awful again.
I’ve come to realise that my body dysmorphia can’t be cured. This is something that I’m probably going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. But at least I can say that I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I’ve learned that I can lead a fulfilling life, one where I continue to learn, grow, and find joy amidst the complexities of my mental state. By recognizing that improving my mental health is a lifelong journey allows me to appreciate the progress I’ve made while remaining committed to my ongoing growth and well-being.