Lessons from long-distance friendships

I moved 2,000 miles away from my hometown and friends to start college. Moving away has given me an abundance of new experiences and opportunities, but I also left behind many close friends. At first, I was scared I would lose all my friendships and we would have nothing to talk about. Instead, I have learned that despite distance, friendships can grow stronger. 

When my friends and I first started college, initially we struggled to keep in touch. We were all experiencing so many new things at once and trying to establish our place in a community. These are the lessons I have learned over the past year and a half since I moved away, and from the years before college, when my sister and high school friends started moving away.

1. Reaching out to my friends really does matter.

It is so easy to get busy and forget to text your friends. However, it always brightens a person’s day to hear from a close friend. I get so excited when I wake up to a text message from one of my friends. I try to remember that everyone wants to be valued and remembered, so whether I am the person who stayed or the person who moved away, it is crucial to reach out. It may seem daunting, but reaching out only takes a few minutes and goes such a long way. I find that texting my friends once I arrive at class and have a few moments to spare is one of the easiest ways to consistently reach out. 

It is exhausting to be the friend who’s always reaching out, so it is important to communicate with your friends if you feel like you are doing all the work. Sometimes people do not realize their own actions or how emotionally tiring it can be to do all the planning. Having these conversations helps me and my friends be on the same page. 

It is also okay, though, to reach out less if someone is not putting effort into the friendship anymore. Recognizing a one-sided friendship before you are completely worn out saves a lot of heartache. It is okay to let friendships go if they no longer serve you, which leads me to the second lesson.  

2. Practice gratitude for the time and memories I had with your friends.

Sometimes friendships fizzle out. People and circumstances change and maintaining a friendship can become more work than it is worth. It does not have to mean that you do not like your friend anymore, it just means that the friendship is not as strong anymore. It might pick back up someday, just not right now. 

I shifted my perspective on “losing” friends by realizing that losing a friendship is not a personal failure and is not necessarily a negative thing. People should grow and change and that might mean two friends’ lives no longer align as well as they used to. I am incredibly grateful for the years and moments with my friends, even if we do not talk much anymore. 

3. Try to not define friendships or hold expectations; let them flow naturally. 

Especially during transition periods, I try not to hold myself or others to high expectations. Friends will not always act the same way you do in friendships. They may feel like they are prioritizing communication but I may feel left behind. Everyone has different relationship standards and ways to show their love. My friendships do not look the exact same as they did when I lived close to someone. Even when I come back to town, the time apart will make things different. If I keep trying to recreate past moments of closeness, I miss out on the opportunity to build a new stronger friendship. Despite physically leaving my friends, I feel closer to some than I ever have. Putting a lot of pressure on a friendship never ends well. As difficult as it was, I found the most success when I tried not to rush into a forced routine; a natural one will form, eventually.

Consistent calls are my favorite way to stay in touch. I have one group of friends who study together on Zoom at least once a week. Sometimes the calls last for seven hours! We plan to work silently on mute together for an hour and then talk for about 10 minutes, though it is frequently more than 10 minutes. It is most important to do whatever works for you and the close people in your life, however frequent or structured that may be. 

I have learned so much about their day-to-day lives and these calls also help me stay productive and get a lot of work done. Everyone is busy with their lives and many of my friends have also moved to new places. We get to share what our journey is like while still completing our schoolwork. 

4. Prioritize my long-distance friends as I do with my in-person commitments. 

If I set up a time to call a friend, I treat it the same way I do any other plan. This means putting it in my planner and planning adequately, such as leaving another event early to make the planned call. Obviously, things come up and sometimes I am running late or cannot make it, but I always make sure to check in and text to let them know if I am running a couple of minutes late. My friends who live far away from me are not an afterthought and therefore should not be treated as such. Showing up and being present matters and my friends deserve to feel like they are an important part of my life. 

5. Watching my friends grow is amazing! 

Your late teenage years and early 20s are full of changes and development. I am so proud of my friends as they evolve into adults. I have a friend getting ready for medical school, one in graduate school for history, one learning to protect their peace, another joining a sorority and immersing themselves in college life and others doing so many other cool things. I am so proud of all of them, and so happy for them. 

I never want to be holding someone back from following their passion. Sometimes it can feel like I am getting left behind or moving too slowly when I see what my friends are up to. For me, it is important to remind myself that everyone is on their own unique path that can not be compared. It also does not have to be some traditional milestone to see how much hard work you are doing. There is personal growth in the little moments. 

I love seeing my friends’ hard work and passion go into their daily lives. It is inspiring to hear about their new experiences and accomplishments. It may feel like your friendships cannot last through major life changes but friendships built on love, trust, empathy and understanding can!  

Long-distance friendships are hard; it is hard not to miss your friends all the time. I try to live presently and appreciate the opportunities around me, but also remember to give myself grace when I am missing past moments. I have learned a lot from my years of friends, and my sister, living far away from me. I consider these people still part of my close circle even if they are not close because of what I have learned about managing expectations and finding ways to stay connected. 

Friendships will evolve and change, but sometimes it is for the better. Do not fear change because that is where growth happens. 

• #Friendship
• #life
• college