When you’re a kid, you might hear the phrase “growing up too fast.” I don’t know about you, but when I heard those words, I always associated them with dressing “older,” partying, having a boyfriend and wearing makeup. Since this was my definition, I didn’t think that I grew up too fast, but looking back on it, I do feel like I gave up on certain aspects of my childhood a bit too soon.
A few days ago, I was looking at my old Ever After High Dolls. I remember getting my Cerise Hood doll when I was in sixth grade, and just feeling so embarrassed buying it. I was about 12, which means I was still a child — but I felt like I was too old to be playing with dolls. But also, she was just so pretty, and I really wanted her.
This got me thinking: why was I so embarrassed about buying a toy when I was still a child?
I’ve always had a bit of an odd relationship with my age. I grew up always feeling like I was older than I really was. I don’t really know if it was because at school, our teachers always expected a certain “maturity” from us, or if it was because I was always labeled as being “mature for my age.” There’s also the fact that until I was 15, everyone always thought I looked older than I really was. If I was seven, people said I looked 10; if I was 10, people thought I looked 13, and so on.
But, as I’ve grown up, I can’t help but feel like I gave up on some of childhood’s simplest aspects, and it’s hard to understand why. Are we subconsciously pressured to grow up faster? Or did I just think I wouldn’t be “cool” if I acted my age? It’s complicated, and to be fair, I don’t have a concrete answer.
Even though most people say you’re a teenager when you turn 13, I didn’t think so — I felt like an older child, really, but I felt awkward doing things like playing with dolls or watching cartoons. It was as if I shouldn’t do that anymore because I was now too old. It’s a complex spot. In reality, I shouldn’t have felt that way. It was harmless kid stuff, and I should’ve been the only person deciding if I was ready to outgrow those things.
Looking back on it, I should’ve just done what I wanted to do without feeling so self-conscious. Everyone grows up at a different pace, and I was clearly not fully ready to step into my teenage years, but I also felt like I had to start cutting ties with my childhood.
It feels like that again, now that I’m about to turn 20 in less than two weeks. I’m officially about to be a young adult, but I still don’t feel quite ready to take on every aspect of adulthood. If anything, I should be allowed to go at my own pace and go on the path I find best suited for me.