“If someone no longer serves a purpose in your life, it’s okay to cut them off.” I’ve heard it a million times before, and I’m sure you have too. We’re always encouraged to let people go if we know what’s best for us, but we never talk about how hard it actually is to do that, no matter what the reason for the split was.
I’m a firm believer in cutting off friends if your moral values no longer align, if they’re toxic, for your own mental health, or if you’ve simply outgrown each other. But to be completely honest, I’m awful at doing just that. I’ve excused toxic behavior time and time again just for the sake of keeping someone in my life. Once someone plays a major role in your life for a long time, it’s hard to imagine them not being there anymore. The situation can get a lot more complicated if you’re both a part of the same friend group. It’s so easy to feel like ending a friendship is you “seceding” from a friend group, but they’re not the same and shouldn’t be treated as such. Prioritizing yourself isn’t being “stubborn,” it’s you knowing your own self-worth and being firm enough in your beliefs that you would rather uphold those beliefs than excuse toxic behavior.
Right before going to college, I went on a beach trip for a couple of days with a few of my friends to spend time together before we all went our separate ways. We all understood that we were going to meet new friends in college, but of course, we wanted to maintain our “healthy” high school friendships. It all went downhill on the three-hour drive back, when our joking conversation quickly turned toxic. During this conversation, my non-person of color “friend” told me that they knew what it was like to be black, and therefore I had no right to get upset at jokes being made regarding my race.
Imagine my shock at hearing someone I considered a close friend saying this to me, and defending their point of view as if their life depended on it. It was absolutely disgusting and appalling to me. This was someone I’d known since middle school and had been friends with since my freshman year of high school, and this is really how they felt? I couldn’t believe it then, but I understand now that it was meant to happen. As tough as that car ride was, it taught me a lesson that I am so grateful for, and I know that I’m so much better off without this person in my life anymore.
The sad thing is, I had a similar conversation like that one a little over a year later. Someone who I’d been close friends with since middle school said some disturbing things to me regarding the breaking-in of the U.S. Capital in January of this year, and compared it to the Black Lives Matter movement protests in the summer of 2020. However, the most upsetting part of that conversation wasn’t what she was saying, it was the fact that I wasn’t surprised. I always give people the benefit of the doubt, and most people around me encourage me to do just that. However, I think there was a part of me that always knew our friendship had numbered days, that we’d finally run out of days, and a lot of friendships do just that. Sometimes friendships run their course, and it would be a disservice to both parties to try and force it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that all friendships are ticking time bombs and that you should expect to lose all of your friends at one point. At this point in my life, I’m completely content and secure in my friendships, and I know that these people belong in my life. But not everyone is meant to stay in your life. I truly believe some friendships are there to teach you a lesson on how to cut off friends, but the best ones are there to teach you what a real friend is.
