When it comes to sex, we all experience pleasure differently. What works on one person may not necessarily work on another. Yet, we tend to treat most sexual encounters in the same exact way. We meet up; make out; get naked; try five or six positions; climax; then clean ourselves up and leave. However, I could write pages worth of uncomfortable sexual encounters that my close friends or I have experienced that never reached climax (at least not on our ends). So, why do we keep doing this?
Sexual Script Theory
Simon and Gagnon propose that sex is guided by scripts that tell us how we should act during sexual encounters. These scripts are acquired through cultural scenarios, interpersonal experiences, and mental associations, during our lifetime. As a species, humans perceive sex as a unique and significant experience, and don’t give much importance to its biological aspects (such as correctly pleasuring our partners). But relying on these scripts won’t guarantee a successful sexual encounter, considering that male and female scripts are not equal. While men are traditionally portrayed as the rough lead in bed, women tend to be depicted as the emotional companion that must exhibit self-control despite whatever is being done to her—and this is definitely a problem.
“Did you finish?”
Communication is key…
While easier said than done, communicating with our sexual partners is crucial if we really want to have a good time in bed (or wherever). Whether we have a long-time companion or a part-time buddy, we encourage a better experience when we take the time to talk about how we like it before the clothes come off. One study showed that sexual satisfaction is better in relationships when there is healthier sexual communication. Talking to your partner is how you let them know what pleasures you and what doesn’t. Sure, you can have them guessing all night to see if they figure out how you like it; but wouldn’t it feel better if you took the time to guide them to your orgasm?
…And so is exploring your body
Since we’re all built differently, it’s important that we understand what pleasures us individually and how. In addition to having great health benefits, masturbation also plays a key role in improving sexual experiences. Knowing your body is crucial to guiding your partner through the act. Don’t be afraid to experiment with yourself from time to time to see what works for you, and then pass the information on to your partner. Or, if you’re feeling adventurous, try doing it in front of your partner to show them how it’s done.
Don’t be arrogant about it
Communicating these issues correctly involves being aware of what and how you say things. Sure, you may be upset that you haven’t had a proper orgasm; but this isn’t only your partner’s fault (remember, you also lead them on by constantly faking the orgasm). Be humble about how you decide to talk to your partner about the issue and choose your words accordingly, so you don’t hurt them unintentionally. Remember, you may be clearing the path for better sexual encounters in the future, but your partner could feel self-conscious if they are just learning that they were never pleasing you in the first place.
It’s on you to decide how you go about your sexual encounters. But, in my opinion, we’re all better off losing the scripts and taking the experience (and our orgasms) into our own hands. So, for pleasure’s sake, let’s start communicating.