My boyfriend and I have been quarantining together since May. That’s a long time — I suspect that he has grown to resent my neurotic cleaning habits and my tendency to listen to the same five songs on a loop. In an attempt to verify my suspicions and test him on his knowledge of my habits and hobbies, I have decided to interview him.
Note: This vapid article is brought to you by my writer’s block!
- What’s the most annoying thing I do?
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Thomas: You disagree with me about everything, and always, like, argue about it.
Gabriela: What? No, I don’t! That’s a horrible thing to say. I’m going to give you a chance to rephrase this one.
Thomas: (laughs) You play songs I don’t like.
- Who’s my favorite singer?
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T: What’s her name… I forgot her name, but you always wear a shirt with her face on it. And you always talk about how you met her after a concert. She sings that song, “Changes.” Actually, Lady Gaga. Oh, I remember the other one’s name! It’s Banks. But I’ll still go with Lady Gaga.
[The song he is referring to is actually called “Change” by Banks, and I once played it on a loop for 10 days.]
- Can you name three of my favorite films?
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T: Kill Bill, Call Me By Your Name, and Pulp Fiction.
[This is accurate.]
- What’s my pet peeve?
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T: What’s a pet peeve?
G: Something I find annoying.
T: Dirty dishes.
[In other words, when he doesn’t load his plates into the dishwasher.]
- What is your pet peeve?
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T: People on their phones at the dinner table.
G: You do that sometimes.
T: No, I don’t!
[He does.]
- In what ways are we similar?
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T: We’re both very transparent people.
- In what ways are we different?
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T: We have different political views.
- What’s my favorite book?
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T: (instantly) The Bell Jar.
[Sylvia Plath is everything.]
- What’s my favorite food?
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T: Acai.
[This isn’t really the case. I’ve just been having a moment.]
- What’s my favorite videogame?
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T: Dark Souls.
G: Which one?
T: The third one.
- What’s your favorite song I showed you?
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T: “Levitating” by Dua Lipa.
[He really likes this song and refers to it as “groovy” for some reason.]
- What’s your least favorite song I showed you?
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T: “Same Mistakes.”
G: Really? You don’t like that song?
T: I hate it.
[I heard this song on an episode of Girls and I’ve been obsessed with it since.]
- What am I the most passionate about?
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T: Writing.
- Who’s funnier?
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T: You are.
G: Yeah. But you’re funny too.
T: You never laugh at my jokes!
G: What do you mean? You always make me laugh.
T: Yeah, but you laugh at me.
[This is true.]
- What’s the last thing you Googled?
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T: Nested static classes in Java.
[I know that sounds disgusting, but he’s a software engineer.]
- Describe me in a single word.
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T: Caring.
- Describe yourself in one word.
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T: I don’t know. Can I skip this one for now?
[We never got back to this one. Creativity is not his strong suit.]
- What’s your favorite article of clothing?
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T: Hat.
G: (laughs) What do you mean? Like, baseball caps?
T: (laughs) Yeah? I don’t know.
G: What’s your favorite item of clothing? Like a favorite shirt or something?
T: Any black T-shirt.
- If you owned a boat, what would you call it?
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T: Poseidon.
[Again, not the most creative. He was an applied math major.]
- What do I talk about the most?
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T: Politics.
[Yes, even at the dinner table.]
As you can tell, he is a man of few words. I was planning on having him interview me for my next piece, but I can feel the icy cage that has been housing my creative forces thawing. As such, I should be able to produce something more introspective. That being said, I hope you enjoyed this blatant exposure of my personal life.