“Sorry” is a powerful word, when wielded correctly. Some people have pride issues, and they never want to apologize for anything, never wanting to accept fault for something. I, on the other hand, am very good at apologizing for things. I apologize when things are my fault, I apologize when things aren’t my fault, I sometimes even apologize to inanimate objects when I accidentally bump into them.
Sometimes, apologizing is a good thing; it lets you take accountability for your actions and show that you recognize when you do something wrong and you are willing to change. But sometimes, too much apologizing can be a bad thing.
I apologize way too much. Just a few things that I have apologized for in the past few days have included: opening my dorm door, someone cutting in front of me in the line at the dining hall, bumping into my desk chair, needing to scoot pass someone in a lecture hall to get to my seat, and being interrupted by someone. Most of these, if not all of them, are not my fault and something that I can’t control.
From what I’ve noticed, this seems to be an inherently feminine thing; for whatever reason, while growing up, we have learned to be apologetic merely for existing or for taking up space, something that our male counterparts have not picked up among the years. I apologize to the dog when I have to step over him, my brother does not. It is drilled into girls growing up that they always have to be polite, which has somehow translated into apologizing a lot.
As these examples make it clear, the word “sorry,” especially when it comes out of our mouths, is rarely actually an apology, but instead a filler word that we use to be polite and to replace something that we may be actually thinking that is too aggressive or rude. It seems to have become a sort of security blanket for me; even if something isn’t my fault, I’ll still apologize to make sure that whoever else is involved doesn’t get mad at me or doesn’t think that I’m a bad person, even when the action I’m apologizing for in no way makes me a bad person.
Of course, apologizing for things that are actually your fault is important. But when you are like me and you continually apologize for anything and everything, regardless of if it is in your control or not, that’s when it can become a problem. It’s disempowering, and it can undermine any authority that we may have been able to get, which, as women, is already harder to keep than it should be. It also shows insecurity and self-doubt, even if you aren’t explicitly feeling those things.
Next time someone bumps into you or you need to get by someone who is in the way, instead of saying sorry, try saying something like, “Excuse me,” which alerts the other person of your presence without immediately giving yourself the blame. Instead of starting something with, “Sorry to bother you,” try asking “Is this a good time?” or something along those lines.
Saying sorry is not necessarily a bad thing. But saying it too often can undermine your meaning and make you sound less credible and less confident. So stop apologizing for things you can’t control!