I say sorry for everything. Absolutely everything. From accidentally bumping into people, to making mistakes, to making people uncomfortable, to even avoiding a situation but feeling guilty regardless. We all do, especially women, because we have been conditioned to feel guilty and frustrated about our flaws, our mishaps, and our humanness. I’ve compiled a list of things I am no longer apologizing for, because I realized that by apologizing for everything I did, I was apologizing for being me.
- Making Mistakes
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This may seem counterintuitive, and even egotistical on my end, but I’m starting to stop saying sorry when I make mistakes that I could not have foreseen or mistakes that come from being a human being. I worked as a waitress for the first time this summer, and I apologized for everything under the sun. I apologized for bringing a customer the wrong order, for not working fast enough, for not anticipating needs, for not hearing people when they spoke, for things within my control and beyond. But then I started asking myself why I was saying sorry.
Saying sorry is meant to mean that you feel regret for what you have done, and it is normally meant as a gateway to saying “…and I will never do it again.” But when I was saying sorry for all these mistakes, I didn’t feel regret, and I knew that it was bound to happen again. When things get busy, I was almost sure I was going to mix up tables. When the restaurant got loud, I was sure I would have to ask people to repeat what they said. I’m sure that in the future, I will sometimes be slower than normal or that I will misunderstand someone. How am I so sure?
I’m sure because these mistakes were not me being malicious or purposefully unhelpful. These mistakes came up because I am not a machine. I am a living breathing human who sometimes forgets, sometimes says the wrong thing, sometimes gets nervous or frustrated or mad. I didn’t regret making these mistakes because in the grand scheme of things, I will not remember these hiccups. I will do them again. And I’m not sorry.
- Taking Up (Physical) Space
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I think this will especially resonate with womxn, but we have all apologized for taking up space. Whether that space was accidentally bumping someone’s (normally a mxn’s) elbow off a shared armrest, bumping into someone on the bus, sitting with your legs a little wider, or not moving when someone is walking on the wrong side. I say sorry all the time to these little bumps because that’s what I have been trained to do automatically. It is much easier (and sometimes, safer) to apologize and take on the incident as your own doing, rather than standing up for yourself.
And I get it. When I stand up for myself by doing the radical thing of taking up physical space, it feels super uncomfortable and weird. It feels unnatural and it feels like I’m doing something wrong by demanding that other people take notice of me. It feels like you’re inviting trouble or comments. But what I’ve realized is that when I say sorry, it means that I’m apologizing for containing myself. I’m making myself small for other people’s comfort instead of questioning why my presence even needs an apology.
- Speaking Up for Yourself (And Others)
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Even worse than taking up physical space, is taking up mental space. I hate talking about mental health, politics, my opinions or beliefs with people I am not absolutely comfortable with because it makes me feel like I’m being difficult. When I do speak up about sensitive topics, I often pepper in “sorry” a few times and then become a toned-down version of myself. While I encourage everyone to check in on the people they’re conversing with and making sure that no one is feeling unsafe or anxious, making people uncomfortable is a different matter.
I have found that most people (especially mxn) feel uncomfortable when womxn talk about reproductive health, womxn’s rights, womxn’s needs and sexualities, and anything that discusses something that does not make womxn look desirable. When I say “sorry for bringing this up,” or “sorry if this is weird,” I’m saying that what I’m talking about is taboo, what I’m saying is weird and rare, and what I’m saying can be disregarded if it makes you uncomfortable. None of that is true. When you try your best to be kind and inclusive, the things you say matter and the things you say are important and need to be said. As a society, we pride ourselves too much in not stirring things up or being able to “keep a conversation going” when sometimes, those conversations need to be stopped and turned in another direction.
Oftentimes, the things we apologize for saying are things that need to be said.
- Emotions
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Mxn are punished for showing stereotypically-feminine emotions, and womxn are punished for showing any negative emotion or for expressing a positive emotion too far. We all need to stop saying sorry for having emotions, and for not being able to contain our emotions sometimes. I believe that there are times when emotions lead to lasting consequences but I also believe that those abusive emotions tend to spring up when the person has been suppressing other smaller emotions.
We need to stop saying sorry for crying, sorry for getting frustrated, and sorry for getting mad when we have every right to be. Mxn need to stop feeling guilty and ashamed for expressing “unmanly” emotions. Womxn need to stop saying sorry for feeling emotions “too deeply”- we are all allowed to be ecstatic or over the moon without feeling weak or infantile. We are all allowed to express negative emotions without having those emotions characterize our entire personality.
Shannon Barry once said that once we embrace our flaws, we can start to live them as positively as we can. When we stop saying sorry for having emotions, we stop saying sorry for being human. We are unconsciously giving way to the next step of acknowledging we have emotions, which may lead to us embracing our emotions so that we can use them positively.
What to Say Instead of Sorry
This is not an article excusing us from the things we do or say. We are still very responsible for the consequences of our actions, but maybe, we can start questioning why we say sorry. And if even the incident in question requires a sorry. Or something else.
“Thank you for waiting for me, I really appreciate it. I will try to not let this happen again.”
“Thank you for being patient with me while I organize myself. Can I take a five-minute break?”
“Do you mind moving over?”
“Excuse me, I was sitting there.”
“This is important for me to say.”
“I am frustrated. I need some time and then we can work through this.”
“While I acknowledge that the ways in which I showed my anger was not great, my feelings are valid. Can we talk about it?”
“…”