At fourteen years old you think you know everything. I can still hear my mom in the car telling me “You don’t know all there is to know about the world. You’re just fourteen,”. I constantly reassured her that I knew this wasn’t the case, but in the back of my mind I thought it was true. I was confident, happy, and I felt like there was nothing that could bring me down. I was only fourteen.
Then you came into my life. You were older, taller, and constantly pursued me until I felt like I had no choice but to like you. I felt pressured and stuck, but I decided to stay. I boosted your ego but I lowered my own standards to be with you. I was manipulated into thinking I needed you. You told me you loved me after you came over from kissing another girl. You told me you loved me as you knew what you were going to do. But I was only fourteen I didn’t know what love was supposed to mean.
As the leaves grew colder and we both got a little bit older, you decided it was time to go and pursue better things. Promise after promise that you would never leave still rang in my head. I still remember how you made me feel that night when you texted me that this was a done deal. I felt useless and inferior. I felt like my life was coming to an end because “I needed you”. I was only fourteen I didn’t know what to do.
After you left I felt small. I was dragged into a depression that felt like forever. I felt like you took that confidence and happiness that I once had at fourteen when you left me. I saw you pass me in the halls and pretend like you didn’t know me. I saw you walk past my family at restaurants and act like there was never anything. I was broken. I was only fourteen.
As the weather began to get warmer I started to realize that I could no longer allow myself to be smaller. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I wanted to make a change and so I did. I wanted to get rid of all those negative things you made me feel at fourteen. I picked myself off the ground and moved on. I was no longer your puppet. I was not going to allow you to play me like strings, so I cut them all and got up and ran. I ran into another person’s arms on the way, but they were just another roadblock to my happiness, so I ran even further. I guess you don’t know everything at sixteen either.
As I ran and ran I finally reached my destination. My true self and my happiness were my final stop. I was finally my confident and happy self. I was ME and no one could ever take ME away again. As I looked down at my phone one day at eighteen, I saw you reached out to me. You like this new me and you wanted a piece. You wanted to be in control once more. I was strong and I never looked back to you. This new me was here to stay and you could never touch me again. I have myself and I found my person to come along side of me. This person doesn’t make me feel like I need them in order to survive but that we are a team. As I look to my life now, I realize that I really didn’t know everything at fourteen but maybe at eighteen I realized what I deserved.