It was 2009, I was laying on the couch when I suddenly started to feel like I was suffocating. My chest felt tight, I couldn’t catch my breath, I was shaking, I was sweating, and my hands started to tingle. My first instinct was to quickly jump off the couch and scream, “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe.” My parents in a panic called the ambulance. As I sat in the back of that ambulance it felt like everything was moving slow, it felt like the parametric was talking so slow. I thought I was going to die. I was terrified, and my poor mom who was in the ambulance with me was pouring her eyes out.
When I arrived at the hospital no one seemed concerned. I kept telling them that I could not breathe but they didn’t seem as alarmed as my family and I were. They took my vitals and told me that everything looked good, I was confused. I was sure that there was something extremely wrong with me. This is when I found out that I had my first ever panic attack, and let me tell you, it did not feel good! A week goes by and I start feeling the same symptoms, but this time my chest was hurting. I was sure that I was going to have a heart attack, so there I went, back to the hospital. To my surprise they told me the same thing, it was a panic attack. After multiple hospital visits in a span of one month, I was told that I have Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This terrified me. I was only 11 years old and had so much life ahead of me and I didn’t know how I would cope with this.
Every time I had a panic attack people would say to me, “it’s all in your head, you can control it.” While yes, I can learn how to control my anxiety and panic attacks, it was not that easy. I did not know how. I felt every symptom physically, my body felt like it was shutting down. Although I was told that I was perfectly healthy I still questioned my health so every time I would have a panic attack I would go to the hospital. It was comforting to me that they ran tests, I felt safe at the hospital because if anything was to happen to me I was in a place where doctors could help me. I felt relief hearing the doctors tell me that everything was normal. After months, I eventually learned how to control my anxiety and panic attacks. They still happened but I was able to talk myself down.
In 2015, after I graduated high school, my panic attacks worsened. I started feeling different symptoms and that terrified me, I was sure that something was wrong with me. So once again, this led to multiple hospital visits and later on depression. I was at my worst and I did not know why. I was happy, I wasn’t experiencing stress or anything that would worry me. My daily activities were limited due to my fear of having a panic attack. I was constantly having negative thoughts, I would not leave my room, I would not eat, all I would do was cry and want to be taken to the hospital, because like before, I felt safe there. This time around I was not able to control my panic attacks, so I was told that I needed to talk to a psychologist, and let me tell you this was the best thing that I could have done for myself and for my future. I had never gotten help before because I was afraid to talk to someone and I felt like no one would believe me. In my culture, many times anxiety is not taken seriously.
Like many others, I did not want to talk to a stranger about my feelings, but I want to tell you that it is okay to talk to a professional or anyone about what you are going through. My psychologist allowed me to be vulnerable and open up about how my panic attacks have affected my life and about my fears. I underwent cognitive behavioral therapy, “cognitive-behavioral therapy, or simply CBT, is a form of psychotherapy used in the treatment of mental health conditions. The underlying concepts of CBT are based on the notion that a person’s thoughts, feelings, and perceptions influence her actions and behaviors” (Smith, 2019). This therapy exposes people to their fears, while still following ethical guidelines. Since my fear was not being able to breathe, one of the exercises my psychologist had me do was to work out because it gives you that sensation of not being able to breathe. The more I did these exercises, the more I realized that I was okay. She would tell me, “think about how many panic attacks you have had, you survived them you didn’t die, they passed, so the next time you feel like this just tell yourself that you have been through this, nothing happened, you are alive.”
Something else I did to help my panic attacks and anxiety was acupuncture. This is a form of alternative medicine where small needles are inserted into pressure points in the body. I was skeptical about this at first, but to my surprise it helped my anxiety. It relaxed me and increased the blood flow and improved blood circulation throughout my body, which increases energy. Acupuncture is also known to lower stress hormones!
It is important that aside from professional help, you do not isolate yourself. This is why aside from anxiety and panic attacks I also had depression. It is important that you do small things like going on walks, spend time with friends and family, and do things that you enjoyed before. I know something small can seem scary when you are in fear of what can happen. I know you think about all the different things that can go wrong, but don’t forget to tell yourself, “I have been through this, I have felt like this, I conquered it, I will be okay.” In the end, you will come out a stronger person.