Roasting the Signs as Caffeinated Beverages

Disclaimer: This is a joke, but if the shoe fits, sorry Cinderella. 

 

Aries: Red Bull 

Pure hatred for your body. You know this is bad for you but you don’t care because it makes you feel something other than rage against others. It’s almost like a safety blanket, making up for the validation that your parents never gave you so you search for it in sugary drinks in aluminum cans. 

Taurus: Matcha Latte

You’re boring but at least you care about your body. Not your taste buds though cause this tastes like cow cud. Makes sense considering Taurus’ symbol is a bull, you’re really trying to get the full experience huh? Unfortunately drinking blended grass doesn’t give you a personality. It does give you gas though. 

Gemini: Sugar-Free Vanilla Latte, Skim Milk

You try hard, you really do. But no one seems to notice so you cry for attention through making your boring latte somewhat special, hoping one day that the barista will say “Oh honey, you don’t need skim milk, you’re so skinny!” but they never will. So have fun in that spiral of self-loathing and criticism from your mom. 

Cancer: Red Bull Italian Soda 

Plain Red Bull was good for a while, but eventually wasn’t cutting it. You need another hole to throw your money down to feel something so you’ve upped your caffeine cost from $3 to $5 all for some syrup and ice. It also makes you feel a little closer to being like the popular girls in high school you hated but secretly wanted to be like, and gives your boring life some meaning by being able to pick out different flavors. But eventually, you’ll go back to the basic blue raspberry just like how you went back to your ex. 

Leo: Starbucks anything. 

Leo, you are just blatantly basic. You love letting people know that you spent $6 on a sh**ty latte with burnt beans too much ice, all so you can carry around a cup with a logo on it for the next 5 hours until even the ice has had enough of your BS and melts too. 

Virgo: Dirty Chai​

You wanted to feel special so you threw your espresso in something other than milk to seem edgy if someone asks what you’re drinking, but no one ever will. You have the feeling that you’re special and not like the others but that’s actually just your God complex showing. 

Libra: Mochas

Basic, don’t really know that much about coffee but know you like chocolate so you ask for a “chocolate mocha” and don’t know why the barista giggles every time, you assume it’s because she thinks you’re cute but really she’s laughing at your low intelligence level and obliviousness to the fact that people will always friendzone you. At least you’re honest with others even though you can’t be with yourself. 

Scorpio: Weird Herbal Tea

You’re weird but not in the cool weird way, like in the I-hear-aliens-in-my-head way. You may or may not own a black trenchcoat and may or may not have had homicidal thoughts or tried to kill people with your mind. Stop it, get some help. The tea will not give you superpowers. 

Sagittarius: BANG

Eenergy nyoom

Capricorn: Shot in the Dark

Just like most of your relationships, these take a dark turn. Good in concept, cause it’s just super coffee, but once it’s in your mouth/stomach you realize the mistake you’ve made. Too overpowering honestly, you think it’s you being “confident” but really it’s you being annoying and compensating for your insecurities. 

Aquarius: Caramel Frappuccino​

You don’t actually like coffee you just like sugar with the smell like maybe it was processed near coffee. All of your friends have grown up and appreciated the taste but you’re still a little bitch boy who just wants to come along for the caffeine runs. The sugar puts you more in tune with your child side because you’re most likely the most immature in your circle. 

Pisces: Cold Brew 

You’re pretty chill, but there’s not much going on up there. The cold brew gives others the illusion that you’re productive but without detailed instructions to follow, you could not get a majority of your shit done. You enjoy cold brew because it makes your brain synapses a little faster and gets them moving at an almost average human speed. Almost, not quite though. Trophy wife/husband.

Make sure to check out the rest of our articles this week! 

HCXO

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• aries
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• capricorn
• Gemini
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• Libra
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• scorpio
• taurus
• virgo
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