It’s late August 2016, I’m 18 years old. I just moved into my dorm to start my freshman year of college and I am terrified. As an only child, I’ve never been completely on my own and I’ve certainly never shared a small space with a stranger. “I can’t do this”, I think to myself as I look around me in a totally new space, where I don’t know anyone.
The days go by, the weeks pass and I call my parents in tears almost daily asking them to pick me up. I go home every weekend I can. I hate this place. I can’t focus on classes and I don’t think I belong here.
Between a roommate who didn’t respect my space, and being almost 3 hours from home, I just couldn’t do it. “I’m not cut out for this” I thought as I sat in bed on a Saturday night when my suitemates were getting all dressed up to go out and I was getting ready to go to bed.
Spring semester came, I moved dorm rooms in hopes of finding a roommate who wouldn’t go through my things or have guys in the room unannounced. I went from a double room to a triple, where my bed went all the way to the ceiling and all my stuff was crammed underneath it. I now shared a room with two other girls, instead of one. I was miserable. After finishing my freshman year, with a 1.9 GPA, I felt like there was no way I could do it again. I wanted to drop out. I wanted to go home. Maybe some people were cut out for college life but I knew I wasn’t. I didn’t have a lot of friends and I just wanted to go home.
My mom said to me, “Annie before you know it, it will be 2020. All your friends will be walking across that stage and if you go home now you will regret it.”
Well, fast forward to senior year. After a couple of really tough years trying my best, I now have a 3.6 GPA, made the dean’s list, I am involved in greek life, choir executive board, an editor for Her Campus and have had 2 amazing internships. On top of this, I have an incredible, supportive group of friends. But here’s where it gets complicated…
Coronavirus.
What started as something in China that felt so far away has slowly made its way here and taken with it, my mom’s job, the ability to see my grandparents and friends and the last moments of senior year with the friends that finally made this place feel like home.
Was pushing through all of this worth it? It took me so long to get to where I am now. How can it all be over?
Although some professors have been understanding, many have been seemingly giving even more work than usual. If it’s not tough enough on seniors’ mental health to have lost the bumper between senior year and going into the real world, we are now exhausted from completing what feels like double the work. We are also feverishly hunting for jobs at companies that most likely aren’t even hiring.
We all thought we had senior week and graduation and more senior pub nights at Red’s but nope. It’s all gone.
Although we are hoping to have graduation rescheduled, it just won’t be the same. One of my closest friends is an international student and will be flying back home as soon as she can, she won’t be able to come for alumni weekend or a rescheduled graduation.
Now, as I say this, I want to point out that I recognize my privilege. I have food, a wonderful home and I’m so grateful for all of those things. But I realized it’s still okay to grieve my senior year after all that has happened.
One of the biggest struggles for me is being apart from loved ones. I’m lucky enough to be quarantined with my mom, but my dad lives about 45 minutes away in Boston, and it’s been tough. Last fall he suffered a heart attack and because of that, it puts him at even greater risk to get the virus. We have managed to go on walks 6 feet apart, but I’ve learned it’s devastating to be so close to a loved one but not be able to hug them. It’s also terrifying to know you could be a carrier and have no symptoms at all.
My grandparents live in RI, and their age as well as some pre existing conditions make them also a member of the high risk group for Coronavirus. It’s just tough. I wanted to drive down and see them even from the window while we talked on the phone, but recently Rhode Island has started pulling over out-of-state vehicles which puts me at risk of being close to an officer if pulled over.
How did this happen? How do we cope? How do we continue to put effort into classes when we’re scared we won’t even get jobs? I guess there is no answer because there is no end date. I think I’m just trying my best to take things one day at a time.
At the end of the day, I’m thankful for the friendships, my supportive family, the memories and for technology that makes it easy to connect virtually. I still hold on to hope for the day I can be reunited with my loved ones and friends, and I’ll never take things like a hug or gatherings for granted again.
Thank you Sacred Heart for the wonderful memories, the incredible people I’ve met and for being a home away from home.