“You’ll find him when you stop looking.”
Almost every girl has heard or given this advice before, whether it was some friendly or even motherly advice. When I first heard this I was insulted, “Do you think I am actively looking for a boyfriend?” It was the equivalent to calling me lonely or desperate. What does it mean to be looking for a significant other at our age? It is not like any of us are on e-Harmony and Tinder is not exactly filled with singles ready for a serious commitment. Maybe when they tell you to stop looking it means to lower your expectations? To stop looking at every boy like he could be your boyfriend, picking at every flaw or taking note of every attribute? Two years ago my friend and I were discussing this at length. She had opened up to me that she was sick of hearing the phrase “You’ll find him when you stop looking” she wanted him to find her since she was following this advice and not looking anywhere. She told me she would go to parties with her friends and talk to guys, rarely hook up with them although sometimes she would but typically she would come home alone. She would study with boys from her class but none of them were her type and other than that she would see her guy friends that she had no romantic interest in. She had carried on this rhythm of “not looking” for a few years and continuously not found anyone. “I am not looking for a boyfriend but I would be lying if I said I did not want one.”
The significance of that insight did not dawn on me until about a year later, the summer I met my first boyfriend. I went to a psychic in July who told me this would be my year, I would focus solely on myself and would not be bothered by a committed relationship. I took this fortune to heart, this would be my year! So everyday for about a month I did exactly what I wanted to do, I painted, swam in the ocean everyday, journaled, read books I had been meaning to read forever, spent everyday with my friends, and I even took up a new elaborate skin care routine. So when my roommates boyfriend told me that his friend I met the other night was interested in me I brushed it off, because ultimately it was my year. Looking back now that was the year I fell in love. Sure, it was also the year I figured out the Korean skin care routine actually made me break out and the year I signed up to write for Her Campus so in many ways it was still my year that I had the opportunity to share with someone else.
I met up with that friend again and we once again discussed our least favorite phrase “You’ll find him when you stop looking.” This time I shared my new insight. It does not mean stop seeing boys you are romantically attracted to, go ahead give them a chance, put your heart out there! The phrase means that if you are looking for a boyfriend, even if you are not doing it actively then you are probably not ready to have one. This is a bold statement but hear me out. Let’s say you meet a guy and he is head over heels for you so you start dating, you might eventually wonder whether you settled for him because you desired a significant other. Also let’s say you are in the perfect relationship you craved and then it ends, if you start dating someone while feeling incomplete without him then that feeling will resume when he leaves. No matter what the circumstance you will be sad after a breakup but you have to still feel like yourself. You have to know yourself well enough to pick yourself back up. My final point is that to stop looking for him is to start looking at yourself. Try new things, focus on what you want to do, what you like and don’t like, what makes you laugh and what makes you truly love yourself. A person cannot give you the love you deserve if you cannot love yourself first. Know who you are, love who you are and when that someone comes around you will want them in your life and not need them.