What Your HydroFlask Says About You

In the world of reusable water bottles, there are many options to choose from for your drinking pleasure. Yet in recent years one specific form has taken the lead as one of the most iconic water holding devices, the HydroFlask. Riddling high school hallways, gyms, and pretty much anywhere you drink water, these insulated water bottles have become a staple for many. And the personalization that can be placed upon them through color, shape, and stickers have given the opportunity of expressing yourself through what you drink out of. In this article, I am going to typecast the different varieties of HydroFlasks and tell you what kind of person you are based on the appearance of your overpriced water bottle.  

Plain HydroFlask with a screw top 

Congrats! If you own one of these, you probably either just bought it, or you have no fear of having your nice things stolen. Unmarked HydroFlasks are gold in lost & founds, no chance of being accused of stealing due to the fact that they all look the same. If you don’t plan on personalizing your Flask in any way, you’re probably a bit boring when it comes to clothes. You prefer a clean look, which is completely fine, but none the less lets me know you’re probably not that interesting to talk to. The screw-top also leads me to believe you don’t do any sort of physical activity, as everyone knows even the slightest movement while drinking out of an open mouth HydroFlask typically results in a water-soaked front and a frown. So, if you own a HydroFlask like this, thanks for being a basic (or 40 years old)! Believe it or not, our world would not be the same without you.  

So many stickers you can’t see the bottle 

You really don’t know when to stop, do you? If your hydroflask is covered in a layer of stickers so thick the original color turns into a memory, you have a busy brain. You like to express yourself in ways everyone can see and are probably one of the kids that set their HydroFlasks down on their desk’s way too loud in high school. There are subcategories to this section though, as there are so many places to get your stickers, so here are a few of the mains.  

• Zumiez/Amazon Dense: You don’t care about what went on your HydroFlask, you just wanted stickers. Zumiez/Amazon is cheap and has skater boy stickers so if your bottle is covered in these, you probably are impulsive, took whatever looked cool even if you didn’t know the brand, and most likely can’t skate even though you wear vans every day.  

• Red Bubble Dense: You spent a lot of time on Tumblr as a teen and didn’t want just an assortment of anything on your HydroFlask. This gives a lot of room for personalization, which I respect, but it also means you spent upwards of two hours on Redbubble finding the ~perfect~ stickers. Chill honey, just because you have a “mom’s against vaping” sticker doesn’t mean I can’t see your Juul in your sleeve.  

• Monochromatic Dense: Fantastic, you managed to find enough stickers of the same color scheme to fill your Hydroflask and that’s quite an accomplishment. But don’t get it twisted, this is probably a red flag for control issues. They do look very satisfying don’t get me wrong, but this style also leads me to believe you’ve never broken the law, might be vegan/vegetarian and have an Instagram account for your pet.  

Straw top/sport top lids 

Ah, an intellectual. You know water is much more pleasantly consumed when half of it doesn’t end up on your clothes, and enjoy doing activities such as driving, exercising, or laying in bed at a weird angle while drinking water. You do have to buy these lids separately, which means you’re passionate about your HydroFlask. I also can concur that your HydroFlask’s straw is dirty, they get stained so easily up near the top and even though you “cleaned it really well”, your immune system is getting stronger every sip due to the bacteria festering in there. If you have a sports top, congrats on being a human hamster. Straight up, when I see someone turn their HydroFlask bottom-up and start sucking, all I can see is those water bottles on the side of rodent cages. You also don’t mind if you’re drinking very fast, as you like to let everyone know you are in fact hydrating with the little suck noises that are unavoidable with this type of lid.  

These are just some of the many varieties of the infamous HydroFlask, perhaps the most prominent, or perhaps ones I just have a personal connection with. In the end, we’re all out here not using disposable plastic bottles so that’s a W all on its own. If you felt personally attacked in this post, I would ask that instead of feeling disgruntled, to just engage in some self-introspection. It’s a HydroFlask, it’s only deep if you let it be. Hydrate or Diedrate.  

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