Take a second to Google the word “breakup” and you’ll likely be met with a whole slew of articles detailing the ins and outs of moving on from a past lover–and maybe an ad for The Breakup, featuring Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn, too. All great things, but you probably won’t find information on surviving a fallout with your bestie, arguably a much more devastating kind of breakup. Friendship fallouts can come in the form of miscommunications, disagreements and, sometimes, simply outgrowing each other. When a fallout like that happens, it’s important to keep these things in mind before deciding to burn a bridge.
- If you’re in the wrong, just admit it
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In any story, there are three sides: your side, their side, and the truth. While you may believe you’re a great friend and that your reputation is squeaky clean, you could still be part of the problem.
It’s not always you versus them but, if you’re in the wrong, you’ve got to boss up and take responsibility. Were you insensitive towards her third breakup with the same trash ex after you already told her to block him? Did you accidentally forget to wish her happy birthday until midnight on the day after? Sometimes owning up to your shortcomings and mistakes is the only right thing to do—you’re only human! If they’re truly your bestie, they’ll forgive and forget, and you’ll both be back to trash talking Peter’s rose ceremony picks in no time.
- Don’t wait around to say something
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There is absolutely nothing in this world that is worse than best friend tension. You can feel it, she can feel it, and it’s probably thicker than the smoothie she’s got blending in the Nutribullet to block out the sound of your apologies.
One thing you can’t afford to do when experiencing a fallout with your best friend is to wait around to say something; Avoiding the inevitable conversation will only allow for more things to become misconstrued. On top of that, idle time only allows for both of you to find more things to get mad about! Christian Pleasants, a junior at FGCU, notes, “When I bottled up all of the tiny things about my roommate that upset me, like leaving used dishes on the table or playing her loud music until midnight, I began to resent her.” And because she bottled it up, Christian became angrier about other things that wouldn’t have otherwise been a big deal.
- Have an honest and respectful conversation
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As best friends, you should both be comfortable enough with each other to talk about uncomfortable things. If there’s a real problem, then you need to discuss it and try to come to a solution. Miranda Torres, a senior at FSU, suggests setting boundaries of mutual respect. “Be respectful and mindful of each other always because, at the end of the day, you still care about that person regardless of what they’ve done to you,” she says. “If you don’t have mutual respect and care post-breakup, the situation will only continue to be toxic!”
On top of remaining respectful, try to avoid placing complete blame on the other person. Using “I feel” statements allows you to explain your perspective to your bestie while also taking responsibility for your own feelings. So, instead of saying, “All you care about is your internship and your new boyfriend,” try something like, “I feel upset because we haven’t been able to hangout as much since you’ve become busier with your internship and new boyfriend.” Additionally, make sure to reach out over the phone or face-to-face, rather than sending a text. Written words can be easily taken out of context or misunderstood, and it can lack the emotions you’re trying to convey.
- Cut out the middleman
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Though there’s nothing wrong with a little mediation, you shouldn’t be using go-betweens to communicate with your best friend. Grow up and talk to them yourself! If you’re using other friends to communicate your feelings, they will, without a doubt, be miscommunicated. Plus, using other people to fight your battles makes it seem like you’re scared to deal with your issues, or that the problem at hand and your relationship with the person doesn’t matter enough for you to make a serious effort.
Sarah Jean, a senior at UCF, once found herself in the middle of a fight between two of her best friends. “I was the middleman, and I know I was definitely not successfully getting their points across to each other,” she says. “It was super immature of them to use me for that, and it put me in a really uncomfortable position!”
- Tell them you care
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Sometimes, your bestie just needs to be reminded that you love them. Ingrid Marinak, a senior at FSU, says, “What upset me the most was that I would continuously be there for her, listening to her and offering my love and support as a friend, even surprising her with silly care packages to brighten her day, yet when I really needed someone she could barely do the same in return.”
Maybe you’ve grown apart due to time commitments, or you’ve physically grown apart and you live on different ends of the country. Whatever the case may be, growing apart can usually be remedied with a little extra effort. Try picking up the phone and calling them after work or sending them a text to see how their week is going! Liking your best friend’s Instagram pictures isn’t always enough, but it shouldn’t take too much more to remind them that you’re always in their corner.
- Maintain civility
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If a fallout with your best friend gets to the point of serious arguments, don’t think you’re at the point of no return! Maintaining civility when arguing with someone you love is key—this means no low blows, and no bringing up past issues that you’ve already laid to rest. If you’re angry that she keeps blowing off your plans, then you probably shouldn’t be bringing up the fact that she ate the last of the guacamole in the fridge last month. Also, keep the gossiping to a minimum, if not completely avoiding it. If she hears about it, you’ll surely end up looking like the one who’s manipulating people into taking sides.
Rebecca Brown, a senior at FSU, for example, spoke with her best friend about weird tension that she was feeling and found out that she and their roommate had already been discussing the problem behind her back. “I wasn’t upset by the problem she had, but I was frustrated because they had obviously been talking about the issue without me for a while,” she says.
Try to remember that you’re dealing with someone you care about. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
- Accept the expiration date
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In the worst-case scenario, a best friend breakup might be irreparable. That could be for plenty of reasons, but it’s likely because your friendship has run its course and fulfilled its purpose in both of your lives. Madelyn Mairena, a freshman at FSU, realized as she was falling out with friends that she needed people in her life that were going to uplift her. “It’s heartbreaking,” she says, “but you need to let go gracefully and wish them the very absolute best.”
As you grow and change, so does your friend group! You may not be suited for each other as besties anymore, and that’s okay. Some survive the growing pains and others don’t, but it’s usually a good idea to try being your own best friend instead of holding onto a toxic friendship. If they are truly your best friend, then you’ll both usually be able to work it out.
In many cases, fallen friendships can be mended with a talk and a whole lot of patience! However, this doesn’t mean every friendship fallout should be remedied. Hannah Fliess, a freshman at FSU, knows that when someone is controlling or overbearing in your friendship, it’s time to let them go. ‘When you’re a young adult, you experience a lot of personal growth and if you’re in a controlling friendship, you’re going to grow relative to that person and not relative to who you should become,” she says. Try thinking about whether or not you would miss them if you were to cut them off. If you have any inkling that you’d be better off without them, you probably will be, but having an adult conversation first will never hurt.