Happy March everyone! I’m currently writing this article in February, staring out of a big window where the sunshine is making my body all warm; aka: the best feeling ever. It’s a little early to have this beautiful weather, but it just reminds me that spring is approaching. Spring is my favourite season for a couple of reasons, but the main reason is because everything starts to grow again. There’s something to be thankful for in each season, but spring is all about the new beginnings and growth. I enjoy using metaphors and analogies to help me understand what I’m going through at the time. Lately, with this weather, I have been thinking about the seasons. I relate the seasons back to personal growth and mental health. Growth and personal wellbeing is not linear and just like the seasons, we are constantly changing. After a cold winter, spring gives us all the hope to start a new and to ‘turn over a new leaf’ as some may say.
I remember the first time I heard the saying, “turning over a new leaf”, I was in third grade and a teacher said it to me but never fully explained the meaning of it. My third grade brain thought it meant you go on the grass, pick up a leaf off the ground and turn it over to reveal the backside of a leaf; funny to think about now. At the time though, I thought the saying was literal and it was not until later where I realized it was a metaphor. So when I heard this saying a couple days ago for the first time in a while, I started to reflect on what the saying actually meant.
The definition of ‘turning over a new leaf’ is looking at yourself from a different perspective and changing yourself for the better. I believe that every person at some point in their life has done this. Some of us do it daily and some of us need a moment to realize that we need a change to be a better version of ourselves. Personally, this took me way too long to figure out. I thought changing my perspective on my poor mental health would happen on its own; I was very wrong. ‘Turing a new leaf’ is a daily practice and it’s much harder than some of us might think. Changing or quitting a bad habit, changing attitudes and behaviours that are so imbedding into ourselves is difficult to do. If anyone is trying to turn over their own leaf, I’m proud of you and remember to keep going, even when it becomes difficult to do so.
This past week, I had two anxiety attacks. I don’t get these attacks nearly as much as I used to. My attacks happen when I have a lot of built up anxiety that I have compressed, when I’m frustrated or even scared about what the future holds. For the longest time my mental health was so steady and each day I was mentally doing well, so I was really scared that these attacks were still happening. I lost control and could not talk myself out of these attacks this week. Mental health progression is not linear and it does not happen overnight. Even though I was anxiety attack free for over two years, I still caved and my emotions got the best of me. If the definition of ‘turning over a new leaf’ is changing yourself for the better, then why was I still getting these attacks if I was just mentally doing well?
The answer to this question is in the first paragraph of this article, “Growth and personal wellbeing is not linear and just like the seasons, we are constantly changing”. I was on the right track for so long, but then took a drop; and that is okay. I needed that drop to realize that, that anxiety ridden, emotional breakdown girl isn’t me. I am so much more than anxiety and once I got out all my built up feelings I was then able to reflect and flip that leaf. The reflection of my highs and lows is who I am and who I want to be. My anxiety might never go away, but as long as I can acknowledge the fact that good will come later, then I am turning over that leaf.
To all my friends with anxiety out there, please understand that your attacks do not define you. Look at your attacks as the winter, cold and dark. Look at your reflection after the attack as spring, growth and change. The best part about seasons is that even if you’re stuck in a winter mood, you know that spring will eventually come. With patience, time and self-reflection, you can change just like the seasons. Seasons change and so do we.