As a college-age student who once was in a lengthy, long-distance relationship, I sit now at over a year being single and often wonder why itâs so hard to find âsomeoneâ in college. Every now and then itâs something that weighs on me, especially when I see other people who seem immensely happy with their significant others, and wonder âwhereâs mine?â
In late-September, nearing my one-year-with-myself anniversary, I was speaking to a friend who, like me, jumped from relationship to relationship and didnât like being alone. This really resonated with me, and I realized I had been doing the same thing for about six years before my latest breakup â six years of not giving myself a break or bothering to learn about myself and what I liked, cared about and valued.
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They went on to say that they felt that neither themselves or their partner were where they wanted to be, and they often felt that they were their partnerâs only support â something tricky when they werenât even one hundred percent themselves.
I truly believe that we are growing every day, and learning constantly, so this is not to say that you have to be a fully formed, perfect version of yourself to be in a relationship. Thatâs not true, and Iâve never felt that it was; other people can help you grow equally, if not exponentially more, than doing it on your own.
However, when it comes to a sense of self, independence and maturity, I think that nothing has helped me grow more than being single. Especially after throwing myself into relationship after relationship since I was sixteen, there is a lot of growing and self-reflection that I needed to do, and still need to do. I recognize that, for me, no other person, regardless of how good or supportive or loving they are to me, can âfixâ me and help me become the person that I am striving to be.
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For me, itâs really about putting the pieces of myself back together after years of less-than-healthy relationships, friendships and experiences. And being single is the best choice for a situation like that for me. Sure, itâs like running a marathon uphill trying to relearn myself and what I want and how to cope with my mental health on my own. Stopping for water, or getting into another relationship would be a relief in one way, but if I kept running, Iâd get a cramp and it would slow me down.
Trust me, itâs painful to recognize that something that, really, everyone wants, is just not what you need right now. There are so many times where I want someone else to pick me up and make me better, but itâs only a temporary fix for me.
I’ve done more in this year than I’ve ever thought I could. I’ve grown more, and suffered more than I ever thought possible. And this, in the long-run is not a bad thing. I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone and only worried about myself, and it’s something I’m thankful for especially in my early twenties. I am thankful that I only have to worry about myself and my future, and am able to focus on the success of myself and my future and what I want by putting myself first.Â
I know that until I cross the finish line and Iâm at a point where my mental health is good and I am good on my own, itâs not a good choice for me. And I never wouldâve come to this conclusion had I not taken off the rose-colored glasses and stepped back from myself and all of these situations.
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I respect you if youâre in a place where you can have a successful and healthy partnership, and I respect you as well if your partner is the one helping you finish the marathon. Itâs great to have the support, but it’s not what I need. This is something I want to do myself, and I think I owe it to myself, and whoever my future partner is (though honestly, in this scenario, itâs still about me and my well-being) to get to a point where I am, for a lack of a better term, good. And until then, Iâm going to continue growing and letting myself learn all about myself before I start to learn about anyone else.