The dating scene in your early 20’s is quite tumultuous. Seldom do people meet someone that is equally into them. Having had many friends who have been become disappointed, hurt, or frustrated with dating in general (myself included), here’s what you can expect.
You will have some dates where your date will be completely infatuated with you. You will have to let them down easy. The situation with others will be one in which you both agree there is no future, you just aren’t compatible or feeling it. But the hardest situation is the one where you really like someone, but they don’t feel the same, lead you on, or have bad intentions. The internet is filled with articles designed to spot someone who is just not into you, someone who won’t commit, or someone who may be a player. All of these often remind you that there is someone out there for you. But the truth is that regardless, rejection sucks and can leave you feeling like you aren’t good enough.
But the most useful way to forget about this person is to re-frame your thinking. Stop wondering if you are good enough for them, but whether or not they are good enough for you. Here are some reminders that the person you are into probably isn’t all you’ve built them up to be. You deserve so much more.
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If they were using you, they’re not a good person.
When you care about someone and find out they don’t care about you, it really burns. However, if someone has been leading you on or using you, this means they were taking advantage of you. As a result, they abused your feelings, and just really suck as a person. You deserve someone who cares and has basic humanity. It’s useless caring about someone who isn’t considerate. They aren’t good enough for you.
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You have a lot to offer, don’t waste that energy on someone who isn’t into you or who is only half in.
Remind yourself of how amazing you are and how much you have to offer. Sometimes someone isn’t in a position to give what you need, but you should never stick around waiting for this person to become ready to offer you the same thing. You are not a consolation prize. Wait until you find someone who intends to offer you as much as you offer them. The person who can’t just isn’t good enough for you.
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You deserve someone who doesn’t have to think twice about wanting to be with you.
If someone has to question how they feel about you, they simply aren’t into you the way they need to be. You deserve more. You deserve to be loved through and through. Wait for the person who appreciates every part of you. You won’t spend the rest of your relationship with this person wondering how they feel, or feeling like you aren’t good enough. If someone can’t appreciate how amazing you are, move on. They aren’t good enough for you.
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The people around you love you. You need to love you.
The judgment of someone who barely knows you really says nothing about you. Maybe this was an in-class crush, maybe it was someone you went on two dates with, maybe it was someone you’ve been seeing for a few months. But even a few months is not enough time to truly get to know someone inside and out. Remind yourself of the people in your life who really know you and love you. People who have known you much longer and have seen you through ups and downs. Be proud of yourself too, and give yourself the love you want to give this person. You know your heart better than anyone. You need to remind yourself of what you are worth. One person’s feelings towards you that you had an impersonal relationship with can’t possibly reflect your worth.
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Remember, there were probably a few negative things you ignored about them.
In general, focusing on the good in someone becomes easier the more you like them. But it also blinds you to the bad things. Maybe they are completely unmotivated, are super critical of you, are unable to take responsibility for their actions, are immature… the list goes on. If you remind yourself of these things, it will become easier to detach yourself from the situation. The bad will make you want to move on. They just aren’t good enough for you.
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Count all the ways you two are different.
Consider the idea that you may be selling yourself short, or that you are incompatible with this person. Maybe you want to have a career, get married, and have children one day; maybe they want a simpler life that doesn’t involve marriage or children. Maybe your political views are different. Maybe you are planning to move across the country; maybe they are moving to Europe. The point is that even though these are long term considerations, they are things you want to think about. If there are basic differences about your values or what you want out of life, it means you guys probably had an expiration date even if you had gotten together. They didn’t fit the bill, and they aren’t good enough for you.
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That being said, don’t demonize them. Just acknowledge they aren’t the best fit.
If someone isn’t into you (and hasn’t done something to really hurt you) they probably just aren’t the right person for you, but this doesn’t mean they are a bad person. If you acknowledge the negatives and how you two were incompatible, this will help you move on. However, don’t completely demonize them. The less negative emotion you attach to that person, the more peace you will have with the situation, and the easier it will be to move on. They just weren’t the right person – they weren’t good enough for you.
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Remind yourself that you are okay on your own.
Dating gets frustrating, especially when you feel like you are ready for something more. But the truth is being single isn’t all that bad. Continue to take care of yourself in every way. Remind yourself that you are going to okay with or without someone because you are a b*d@ss. Become strong, self-reliant, and comfortable with yourself: these are traits that will lead you to a healthy relationship. Don’t chase after someone who is uninterested; you’re wasting your own time. Do remember a relationship is not a necessity, especially at this age. Do focus on becoming the best version of yourself, and it will all work out. Just remember: they weren’t good enough for you, it was never the other way around.