I’ve been in the United States for about a month, and there is a long list of things that I’m not used to – from things like shaking hands all the time to why everyone is so obsessed with Chick-fil-A. Among these things is how people tend to suggest what they want or what they would like instead of just asking for what they want. Put differently, I have met very few Americans that are very direct about what they want, about asking for things, about telling people to do things, about their feelings about you, etc. I haven’t been here long enough to know why that is, or if that’s only a thing where I’m staying, but I do know that I’m not used to it. This got me thinking about areas in my life where I’m not direct about the things I want, like shooting my shot. I’m good at a few things – public speaking, encouraging my friends, bantu knotting my hair, etc. – but I am terrible at shooting my shot. I would say I’m pretty self-aware, so I’ve known this for a while now. However, I always wondered why I was confident talking to friends, male friends, and male friends I found attractive, but never the guys I was interested in, and I think I might have found a piece of the answer.
While sitting in a group of my girlfriends talking about who we find attractive, I realized that a huge part of all of our plans to get these people to talk to us was waiting or putting ourselves in a position where we could be spotted by them. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great idea, but what bothers me about it is that it’s such a passive one. It suddenly clicked – if a girl’s plan to shoot her shot mostly consists of waiting, then a boy’s plan mostly consists of actually doing something about how they feel. In other words, girls aren’t really used to being the ones to take action, and I think that’s a little problematic. Not just in the art of shooting your shot, but with every aspect of life.
Now I know what you might be thinking, “Fikemi, it’s not as simple as you make it seem. Shooting your shot may not be something you’re used to but it’s also scary,’’ and I hear you, but let’s put ourselves in the shoes of the other person. You say it’s scary but don’t you think it’s scary for them too? Anyone who’s made the first move (and a huge shout out to you if you’re one of them) knows two things that I also know from purposely doing things that scare me. Firstly, it’s never easy the first time, and secondly, it gets easier the more you do it. When a guy makes a move on someone he likes for the first time, it must be extremely terrifying, but by the time they’re acquired their fair share of successes and failures, it becomes relatively easier. So, even if shooting your shot might be uncomfortable and weird and scary the first time, do it and you’ll get better. Make little steps – follow the person on Instagram, ask for their Snapchat, compliment them, ask a question…do something.
Also, I can’t be the only girl that has thought, “He’s going after the wrong person! Can’t he see that we’d be so good together?!” There have been a few times that I wished a guy could see me but he didn’t and I never did anything about it. Well, women, we can. We’re generally prone to think more long-term than boys are. So, if boys are your cup of tea, maybe that translates into shooting more accurate shots. Also, I just can’t help but feel like I would prefer having the ball in my court for a change.
I know that deciding not to shoot your shot directly could be because of social anxiety, history (maybe the person you’re attracted to is a friend’s ex and it would look bad if you reached out first), or any other very valid reason, and that’s completely fine. What I’m saying is, when we can, women, we should step up our game. I’m sorry this isn’t a tutorial on how to shoot your shot – frankly, I’m still (slowly) building the confidence to do it myself – but, I hope this made you think about possibly shooting your shot soon and maybe even gave you a little dash of confidence to do it. I can’t wait to get better at it, though, because even though I am aware that some of my attempts may go up in flames, I know some might end with me actually getting somewhere with someone I’m interested in. Besides, how long do we plan on complaining that the right person doesn’t notice us? It’s high time we made them notice us.