Dear Mom…

Disclaimer: The following article was not written for me to get attention in any sort of way. After my mom passed away, writing became a huge part of my life. It helped me cope with the pain. It has been 5 years since she passed away, and this is just a letter of all the things I wish I could have told her. 

Dear mom,

There are a million things I wish I could tell you, and there’s a million questions I have. But I guess I can start by saying how much I miss you. Every night I thank God for another day, and I always pray to you, in hopes that you might hear me. It has been five years since you left my side; and I know I will never know why you did it, and I guess that’s what sucks the most. 

I’m in college! I know that was the number one dream you had for me, and I know that was the main reason you came to this country, so that you could provide me with a better education. I am a criminal justice major. Not surprised right? I definitely think that all the crime shows we watched together definitely influenced my decision. I’m also a psychology major too, that way I can maybe try to help people who were going through the same things as you. There are a lot of bad days, but in the end, I know that you’re up there rooting for me. 

I’m not going to lie, it’s the most difficult thing not having you next to me, rooting me on, supporting me, just being there for me. I really miss your laugh. I miss the nights we would go to the movie theater to just buy the popcorn and then go home to watch our own movies. Or when we would go to the movies and we always sat in the same spot – the top middle row! I miss the late night drives we would have where we would sing so loud, Manchas would join us. I miss our indoor water fights, and us spending hours at the library because we loved to read.

Remember how we were trying to learn how to rollerblade? We were honestly insane. The two of us on rollerblades going down Crown Mountain. I don’t understand how we did not break a bone. And remember how I was trying to teach you how to play the guitar? You were terrible. Like honestly, no offense, but wow. But it’s okay, because you were brilliant in other things. 

When they told me you had killed yourself, I really couldn’t believe it. You, the bravest, smartest, most caring person, doing that to herself? Not possible. But for some reason, God wanted to add you to his collection of angels so soon. That same day before I left to go to school, I wanted to say goodbye to you and tell you I love you. There was this huge urge, but you were sleeping, and I decided to walk away. I am always going to regret that. 

I never pictured my first funeral to be yours. But if you had been there, you would have seen how many people cared and loved you. Everyone was there. Even people I never met. A few days after you passed away, I received a letter from a boy from the elementary school you volunteered at. He wrote you a letter telling you how much he missed you. 

There was definitely a time where I hated God for taking you away from me. And I know it was wrong for me to do that, but I hated him for it. I just never pictured the rest of my life without you.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being there when you needed someone the most. I’m sorry that I didn’t see it coming. I’m so sorry. 

Dad and I barely talk. He basically forgot about me after you died. And I know I shouldn’t hate him, but I kind of do. You were what held us together, and after you died, our relationship died too. 

Manchas died. But I know he’s with you now. He always loved you more than he loved me. So, I know you both are having a great time being together once again. 

I know it sounds like I am super sad but know that you left me in good hands. My tia Astrid, she’s the most amazing person ever. And I know that you’ve seen how much I’ve grown and matured thanks to her. I know you’ve seen how she’s been there for me the way you were there for me. And honestly, you should be thankful for everyone. My tio Ruben, my tia Angelica, Angela, Amayra, Ruben, Hector, Andres, and everyone else. All of these people have been there for me and helped me grow. And I think you should be so proud to call these people your family. 

Some days I forget that you’re gone, and I think that you’re just on a really long vacation, and one day I’ll be able to hear you laugh again. I have this one video of you laughing, and it’s my favorite video in the world. You look so happy in that video, and that’s how I will always remember you. 

I wish I wasn’t sitting in my room right now writing this letter for you and instead was calling you, telling you about my day. I wish that when I went home, I would come home and be with you. I wish that you saw me graduate from high school, and I wish you came to drop me off at college. There are so many things that I know you aren’t going to be at, and it’s the most difficult thing I have to deal with. But I know that things happen for a reason.

This year I got to spend the day at the beach. I sat there in silence and just thought about you. Remember our last vacation when we went to Florida? That was the best time ever. Basically, all of our road trips were the best times ever. I started watching Harry Potter again, but it’s not the same without you. Nothing really is the same without you. 

Anyways, I know you’re happy now. And I know that you are resting and taking care of us from heaven. I hope to see you again one day mom.

I love you.

Karyme

All Photos Courtesy of the Author 

• mental health