I really enjoy who I am as a person. I can be quite narcissistic at times, but it’s better than being self deprecating! I think I’m attractive, fun, responsible, strong, and caring. I feel ready to take on any challenge because I feel like I can handle any challenge. I like challenges because winning feels incredible. Not in a way that I have put myself over another person/thing, but in a way that it confirms how great I think I am and that I was right in thinking I could win. But this hunger for victory has destroyed me emotionally on multiple occasions. Barring the men I never established an official relationship with, I’ve had two boyfriends in my 20 years of life. I had a good run with both of them before they crashed and burned hard. The first one told me it wasn’t worth it to drive 3 hours to see me after I moved, even though I got off of work and went to see him every month. He tried to control who I could and could not be friends with. He needed to always know what I was doing and would get upset if I wasn’t texting him while I was with friends he didn’t know. Every time he did something that upset me he would lay out why I was being irrational. We broke up and a month later he begged me to take him back. I agreed (against my better judgement) and took him back. Well, we broke up two weeks later. Both times I asked him not to break up with me and asked him to get back together within the week. I say it’s because I loved him, which I did. But the real reason is that I lost. He treated me horribly, but the only thing in my head was how I could change. How I could adapt to be better for him. Not long after we broke up, he started dating someone long distance (almost the same distance as we were). He drives those 3 hours at least once a month and spends an entire week there. Hearing this sent me into a very deep depression. He told me I wasn’t worth the drive, then turned around and got into a relationship with the same exact “issue”, only his new boyfriend IS worth it. It made me feel like I had lost…REALLY lost for the first time in my life. In all of the men I’ve seen as potential partners since then, I’ve taken it as a chance to prove that I CAN win in romance. (I’m single, so obviously I’m not winning yet…) But every single time, I’m left feeling like I’m never enough for anyone I have romantic feelings for. They’ve lied to me, put me down, ignored me, and used me, yet every time I’m always left feeling that I wasn’t enough for them. I think about all of the ways I could change for them, even though (in most cases) they were objectively the issue. But because of how my first love treated me, I’ve been left feeling like a stepping stone. In all aspects of my life besides romance, I feel like I can accomplish anything I work towards enough. But I’m worried that I’ll always feel like I’m just the next person’s stepping stone. This feeling has kept me from pursuing multiple relationships, all of which I came up with various excuses. This is the first time I’m admitting that I feel like I’ll never be enough for someone to dedicate their life to. I can’t defeat that feeling now, but hopefully one day I can find someone to make me a winner.
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at MTSU chapter.