I’ve been wanting to put this into words for a while now but haven’t been able to find the right way to say it. So hopefully in writing this, I figure out what I’ve been trying to understand and maybe help other people too.
I don’t know who I am. It’s true that stereotypes that exist in this world – jocks, theatre kids, preps, geeks, burnouts, etc. People categorize others by personality types, interests, sexual orientation, age, interests, appearances, ethnicities, life experiences, choices. And I’m not trying to say these are bad things, but just that I don’t like being pigeonholed into one category and accepting that as who I am – or not in the same way that I think most people do.
I know people don’t fit into only one category or subcategory but I just feel like I can’t relate to any of them. I do well in school but I’m not a genius and often feel subpar at best. I love fashion and makeup, but I never stay up-to-date on the best techniques or what’s in or out, not to mention the number of times I’m bare face wearing leggings and a crewneck. I love books but I can’t analyze them like those who love to read. I love to make art but can’t make something spectacular, I love to craft but I barely hit the mark, love to perform but can’t hit the high notes or belt that money note for the life of me. I guess I’m trying to say I have so many interests but I’m not great at any of them. I’m just…ok.
To someone who can’t sketch, they may see my work as beautiful, but I know that my technique and proportions can be improved. My voice can be cleaner. I want to be great at something, but I have too many things in which I want to excel.
See, that last sentence made me seem so full of myself because I know I’m not the only one who wants to be great at something but has multiple conflicting interests. I just feel sometimes I can’t belong to anything since I have so many interests. If I can’t pick one or two to really focus on, then who am I?
To so many people I’m “Anna” – the girl that just does “Anna things.” They know me and can appreciate the wacky choices that I make when it comes to impromptu drag or breaking into song on the walk to class. But sometimes I feel like I make these decisions because it’s what other people expect from me. Or maybe it’s what I want them to expect from me.
In a rushed conclusion, identities are weird. And in a time in my life when most people are discovering themselves, figuring out who I am is also extremely difficult. But I guess I just gotta go in blind and hope for the best.
Thanks for listening,
Anna – whoever that really is