If there was one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be? Would it be your looks, financial situation, or communication skills? Maybe even your level of self-confidence or your overall outlook on life? Well, what about your ability to say “no?” While I am sure we are all familiar with “No Shave November,” it is not something we all participate in. This week, Her Campus Hampton U Chapter, is challenging, not only ourselves, but all of you as well, to take this concept of “No ______ November” and put our own spin on it. Here’s mine:
Disclaimer!
I must say, I am loving this week’s theme and I hope you all are as well; however, I will admit that even though I am eager to write about this topic, I am also apprehensive. The amount of self-reflecting I’ve had to do in order to truly write this article further communicated to me how unwilling I am to be vulnerable or personal at times (something I am also hesitant to admit). With all of the articles I’ve written, I’ve literally asked myself, “how personal do you want to be?” and I suppose this is a start.
“Hello, my name is Jasmine Baity and I am a people pleaser.”
I’m still working on truly saying this out loud, but typing it counts too, right?
A people pleaser is nearly incapable of saying “no.” More likely than not, people pleasers are probably some of the nicest people you could ever know and could be described as extremely dependable, considering the fact you can always count on them to do you a favor. In fact, they often spend more time doing for others than they do for themselves. I am so much of a people pleaser that I see nothing wrong with anything that was just said -lol.
Although I may joke about it, I do realize that my inability to say “no” is beginning to weigh on me. I feel that a common misconception of people pleasers is that “we” habitually say yes to the favors asked of us because we want to be liked. I can assure you, this has not been true for me, especially not now at the age that I am. If you have to make drastic, back-breaking leaps for people just to see you, then those are not people you should want to be seen by. So, no, for me, being a people pleaser is not about approval or acceptance. I honestly believe that I am just helping. However, I do often wonder if my “if I can, I will,” or “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” nature is always conducive to my well being. While being a people pleaser is not a guaranteed or healthy way to get people to “like” you, it is a certified easy way to get people to take advantage of you.
In the Beginning
So, how did I become this people-pleasing machine you see before you today? I would like to say I was born this way. For as long as I can remember, it has been in my nature to just do for others, often without question, so I wouldn’t say there was one particular event.
Growing up, I was quite shy. In social settings with people whom I was not familiar with, I spent more time listening, or observing, than I did talking. Perhaps it was my natural soft spoken and reserved tendencies that gave people the perception that I could be easily persuaded into doing whatever they asked of me. Maybe they thought I was a quiet loner who was desperate for friends, when in reality I was actually just introverted and enjoyed the quiet.
Maybe my accommodating tendencies stem from being the oldest. I was an only child until I was 7 and at that point I think I had spent more time with adults than children, making me very mature for my age. Being the oldest child, granddaughter, and grandchild, I have always had people looking up to me and I’ve always felt an obligation to do for them. And it was never because I had to, but because I felt that I should and that having gone through life before them allowed me to do so, so I could.
At the same time, this tendency of mine could also be the result of my morals. One adage I have always lived by is to treat people they way I wish to be treated, meaning, I would never do something to someone that I wouldn’t want done to myself. This saying helps to keep me level-headed and morally conscious of my actions. It also encourages me to help. I think it is a beautiful thing to know that should you ever need something, there’s always this one person you know will follow through for you, which is what I feel I’m communicating every time I respond to “I need a favor.”
Yes, or NO
Regardless of the origin, this is where I am today: stressed and in need of a break. I mentioned earlier the idea that people pleasers operate from a desire of being liked or accepted. This could also be considered a fear of being disliked or rejected. While I am not fearful of disapproval or rejection, I am fearful of guilt. It is exponentially easier for me to say yes to a favor even if my schedule is tight, my tank is low, or my budget is fixed, than it is for me to say no and later realize that there was something I could have done.
Being able to talk and write about this has led me to wonder whether my “yes man” attitude, while beneficial to others, is beneficial to me. Though I cannot promise that I will immediately be more selfish with me, I have devised steps I can take to help navigate when to say “yes” and when to say “no.”
1. Ask what the favor is
Honestly, I am very quick to say “yes” before I ask “what do you need?” I believe this comes from me wanting the person who is asking me to feel comfortable doing so. Asking for help can be extremely hard and I don’t want them to feel shameful or as though they are bothering me.
However, asking what the favor is first removes the stress of obligation and commitment before being sure, which leads to my next step.
2. Ask, “How does doing this favor make me feel?”
Once the nature of the favor is determined, I think a good follow up is to assess how completing the task will make you feel. This is especially true in situations where you may be unsure of someone’s motives. Are they asking you because they really do need the help or are they asking you because you’re an easy target. Also, does the favor conflict with your beliefs or your comfort ability level?
3. Ask myself, “Can I really do this?”
Do you truly have the resources (time, money, etc.) to handle the task at hand? If the answer is yes, then proceed with the favor as long as it is something you are comfortable doing.
If the answer is no, tell the person that you simply just don’t have the means to do what it is they are asking of you. Also, I’ve found that if you are going to give a no, it has to be a firm one. Uncertainty of your decision leaves too much of a gray area for you and them.
4. Ask “What are my expectations?”
This is more or so a bonus step for other people who may find themselves to be people pleasers as well. I personally feel as though things should be done out of a genuine desire to do them, not out of expectation for a reward or recognition, so asking what will I receive in return rarely crosses my mind.
At the same time, some favors are more strenuous than others. Working out expectations with the person asking for the favor helps to eliminate the feeling of being used. I feel that knowing they don’t fully “owe” you also helps to ease their worries of being indebted to you.
None of these realizations are new. For years, people have been telling me that one day I will get tired of saying yes. While I am not necessarily “tired,” I do know that the pressure associated with always being around and always being at 100% is powerful.
To those of you who may be experiencing the same journey as me, I also would like to say that nothing is required of us in life. Many of the choices we make do not consist of things out of our control and we make them because we want to. So, do not let others make you feel bad for not always putting yourself first if the things you are doing instead are what you want to be doing.
With that, I bid you adieu. Cheers to No “Yes Man” November! What are you thinking of giving up?