Everything’s getting a live action movie nowadays. From Beauty and the Beast to Lilo and Stitch, filmmakers are making big bucks from cashing in on childhood nostalgia. But there’s still untapped potential—old Youtube videos we forced each other to watch in middle school. Here’s how I would make live action versions:
- Asdfmovie
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This is the first movie my newly founded studio makes. Inspired by the simplicity of the clips, I shoot the film in black and white. I lean into the absurdity with random scenes that don’t relate to the plot. Every funny joke is later revealed to be indicative of tragic backstory. I find an impoverished man selling kazoos to support his pursuit of acting and cast him as the lead.
While misunderstood by mainstream audiences, critics praise my innovative and experimental storytelling. I attend film festivals wearing black lipstick and a robe; I’m later featured on a blog about best red carpet looks. The minor character that says “I like trains” is praised as a visionary and is cast in a Marvel TV show. The investments from rich filmmakers start pouring in.
- Llamas with hats
I turn to psychological horror for my next movie venture. In my version, the llamas are humans that attended a high school with a llama mascot. The movie chronicles Carl’s descent into madness as he does increasingly horrifying acts, propelled by either an innate evilness or malicious outside forces—I leave it up to interpretation. In the after credits scene, I make Carl and Paul gay for diversity points.
This movie enjoys slightly more mainstream success and puts me on the map as a filmmaker. I get critiqued by LGBT groups for using the “gay serial killer” trope, but the controversy further propels me into the spotlight. It’s considered one of the best Halloween movies of 2033.
- Badger Snake
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This is the peak of my filmmaking career. I masterfully craft barren desert and sweeping prairie atmospheres to set my film. The badger represents the rural working class, the mushroom represents substance abuse, and the snake represents corrupt politicians who abuse their power for their own gain. I cast a high-profile actor to play the badger, and we get into several public fights on set.
The movie is lauded as a masterpiece. Film majors tell their friends to go see it, and if they don’t enjoy the movie it’s because they don’t understand how deep it is. The hottest indie-opera-metal-electronic singer of the 2030s gives me a shout out on twitter. I’m offered a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.
- The Duck Song
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I spend a couple years simmering in my success and trying to reignite my passion for filmmaking. I decide I’m tired of difficult actors and heavy themes; I now want to make a movie that my kids can watch. I decide to create a family movie about a duck approaching a lemonade stand asking for grapes. The duck is entirely CGI, but with human eyes. The lemonade stand owner is drifting apart from his kids, and wants to reconnect with them. He is annoyed with the duck at first, but he eventually learns a valuable lesson about family and saves the duck from an animal experimentation group that is tracking it down.
Critics everywhere hate this film. One writes, “Donald Duck weeps to be the same species as this abomination.” It still turns a slight profit from undiscerning parents wanting their kids to be quiet for longer than three goddamn minutes. My kids hate it, though, and refuse to see it with me. They’re in fifth grade and too mature to watch a movie with a CGI duck. They start telling their friends their mom is a janitor.
- Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
After the disaster that is the Duck Song movie, I turn my sights to more adult themes. Using money gained from my other movie ventures, I shell out millions of dollars to cast high profile actors to play themselves. For dead characters, I use uncanny valley CGI to bring them back to life. There are ten minutes of plot before launching into two hours of bloody fighting.
The movie gets a 15% on Rotten Tomatoes and is panned by critics everywhere. However, it gains a cult following within young male circles with a penchant for violence. One shoots someone while wearing a t-shirt with the movie’s poster on it, and news sites discuss how the movie endorses and sparks violence.
It all culminates with the estate of Mr. Rogers suing me for his depiction. Now bankrupt, I dissolve my movie studio and fade back into obscurity. In 20 years, I’m featured on an article called “Famous directors from the 2030s: Where are they now?” I’m seen eating a pretzel on the beach, tears streaming down my face as I try to fit the entire thing into my mouth. It becomes a reaction meme. Young kids only know me as pretzel lady. This is my legacy.