In 2018, I have had less than satisfactory luck with meeting decent boys. So, what did I do? Obviously, I went to Tinder because that’s where you find the cream of the crop, or, at the very least, some validation. I have discovered that when you are, at least on the male side of tinder, people fall into one of a few categories, so as an experienced swiper I am here to tell you what they are and how to handle them.
1. The Townie
This man probably has multiple pictures of himself holding some sort of dead animal/fish. Every single picture is him in camo except for the last photo that is probably himself holding a really cute puppy or baby, which, in juxtaposition with the dead animals makes me very uncomfortable. But hey, if that’s what floats your boat then go ahead and swipe right. My personal opinion? It’s an immediate left swipe at the first sign of a gun.
2. That Guy in Your Econ Class
You’re pretty sure he was on the lacrosse team at some point. His favorite thing to do on weekends is hitting his Juul and chilling with the boys. He might even tuck his sweatpants into his ankle socks. He probably isn’t here for the wholesome relationship you hoped to find on Tinder, but because you think you can change him and will at some point be vacationing with his family at their house on Martha’s Vineyard and wearing a Lilly Pulitzer dress, you’ll really want to swipe right. It’s not going to happen. Swipe left.
3. The Courtesy Swipe
Now, this is a concept that guys don’t quite understand yet. It’s 11:32 PM and you’re in Olin trying to put this essay off for another 5 minutes when you come across the guy you’ve interacted with a few times and say hi when you pass him on Middle Path. You’re not particularly into him but he isn’t ugly either and what if he swipes right on you and you don’t match, then it’ll be awkward when you see him in Peirce. So you swipe right, you may even superlike him just for the fun of it. Usually, this is the correct choice because neither of you is going to say anything but sometimes they’re secretly into you and you’ve opened a can of worms and there’s no coming back from his incessant Snapchats. So, proceed at your own risk.
4. The Abs
That’s it. It’s just a picture of abs. We get it, you like to do sit-ups. Unless you want to ask him for his workout regiment I don’t recommend a right swipe. He’s too confident and he’s displaying his weak 4-pack to the world as if he’s Zac Efron.
5. The Freebie
He’s kind of cute, you aren’t that interested but you swipe right anyways because why not if you’re sad and lonely enough to be on this app what do you have to lose? You swipe right and match immediately. You don’t message him first but ten minutes you’re greeted with a “Hi Beautiful *heart eyes emoji*. Your energy is restored and you’re ready to leave your room again.
6. Your Soulmate
Judging by his pictures and quirky bio he seems just your type, so, of course, you swipe right. By some miracle, you match, and you take the leap messaging him first. You click immediately and soon you’re talking every day and start making plans to meet up. And then before you know it you begin feeling like you’re annoying him and start sabotaging your own happiness. Maybe I’m projecting here. Anyway, you’re not annoying him and he probably likes you just as much as you like him but he has a life and can’t be texting you every second of every day. Or maybe he’ll drunkenly Snapchat you weeks after ghosting you proclaiming that you are the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen and made a huge mistake and then promptly un-adding you from Snapchat.
7. The Random Superlike
No man with a healthy amount of sanity ever hits you with a superlike. Like The Abs, this man has a ridiculous amount of confidence but he’s worse. I promise. Run.
This is all in my professional opinion, and seeing as the most I’ve ever got out of Tinder is a few coffee dates and a lot of random Snapchat friends, maybe you need to take this advice with a grain of salt. But maybe, just maybe, your soulmate really is there out on the wild wasteland that is Tinder, and you’ll be glad that you took my advice and ignored the random picture of abs.