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This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Geneseo chapter.

Our friend group at Her Campus is beyond obsessed with Autostraddle’s satirical posts about ranking things by lesbianism, which has inspired some of our posts in the past.  One day, while gathering snacks for an upcoming Safe Zone training, we bought rainbow Goldfish crackers—the gayest of the Goldfish cracker lineup. From there, our conversation turned to what identities or stereotypes the other flavors and colors of Goldfish crackers would represent.  We ended up coming up with a not entirely comprehensive list of how Goldfish crackers would identify within the LGBTQ+ community—you know, as you do.

 

Before you read on, please know that we are in no way sponsored by Goldfish (but if anyone at Pepperidge Farm is reading, we would love to be!) and that this article is written entirely as joke.

 

Rainbow – Gay

 

 

Of course the rainbow Goldfish are gay—they’re out and proud and waving their flags wildly.  

 

Cheddar – Elder Gay

 

Madeline, a certified elder gay (criteria being watching Glee as it aired, the most painful of Gay Trials) holding Cheddar Goldfish

 

The cheddar Goldfish are obviously the elder gays. They taught us everything we know and fought hard for our place in society.  Though they’re sometimes not up to speed and kind of problematic, we love them anyway and respect all that they’ve done for our community.

 

Baby Goldfish – Baby Gay

 

 

Oh baby gays, we love you so.  You’re still coming to terms and maybe even coming out for the first time—we’re all here to support you the whole way, babycakes!

 

Pretzel Goldfish – Bisexual

 

 

The pretzel goldfish represents the fluidity of bisexuality. It’s a pretzel, but it’s also Goldfish. These sides of their sexuality are inseparable!

 

Pizza – Butch

 

 

For some reason we just strongly feel that pizza Goldfish are butch.  They’re strong and unwavering in flavor and personality, just like their gender nonconforming real-life counterparts.

 

Pink Princess – Femme

 

Tori, a pink princess, holding pink princess Goldfish

 

There is no one else the pink princess goldfish could be other than a femme lesbian.  That’s just how it works. The colors even match the lesbian flag!

 

Cupcake – Asexual

 

If you’ve ever heard the ace catch-phrase “I’d rather be eating cake”, then you know why the Cupcake flavored Goldfish is ace.  We pitched this idea at our Pride Alliance meeting on the ace spectrum and got some positive feedback.

 

Parmesan – Nonbinary lesbian

 

Jessica holding parmesan Goldfish while making the same face she makes in all photos

 

Jessica in particular is a fierce proponent that the parmesan Goldfish is a nonbinary lesbian.  Just as some people may not understand how nonbinary people can be lesbians, not everyone appreciates the parmesan Goldfish.  But we accept you with open arms, parmesan!

 

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Victoria Cooke

Geneseo '20

Victoria Cooke is a Senior History and Adolescence Education major with a Women's and Gender Studies minor at SUNY Geneseo. Apart from being an editor and the founder of Her Campus at Geneseo, she is also the co-president of Voices for Planned Parenthood and a Curator for TEDxSUNYGeneseo. Her passions include feminism, reading, advocating for social justice, and crafting. In the future, she hopes to inspire the next generation of history nerds and activists.
Jessica Bansbach

Geneseo '20

Jessica Bansbach is a junior psychology major who has more campus club memberships than fingers and toes. In her spare time, if she's forgotten that she's a college student that has more pressing matters to attend to (like, say, studying), she enjoys video games, thrift shopping, and ruminating. She was elected "funniest in group" by her summer camp counselor when she was nine and has since spent the next eleven years trying to live up to the impossible weight of that title.
Kayla Glennon

Geneseo '21

Kayla is a junior English major who is optimistic but enjoys exploring lots of emotions, not just ignoring the "bad" ones. They love writing silly things but also being serious, because there are a lot of things that matter and need to be talked about, but giving yourself a break is important too. They love writing about literature but also coming up with ideas for stories of their own. Kayla is constantly just trying to be themself and trying to be around people that make them happy.
Madeline is a senior Psychology and Women's and Gender Studies double major at SUNY Geneseo. She is the President of the Pride Alliance, Assistant Coordinator of the Safe Zone program, and a Program Coordinator in the Office of Diversity and Equity. She may not have a lot of time to write, but she loves to contribute what she can to Her Campus Geneseo!