Paetyn Burish is from Binghamton, NY. She is a sophomore at Wells College and is an International Studies major. Paetyn’s story on her biracial identity illuminates the experiences of people of mixed racial identities and how it affects their everyday lives.
Was your mixed-race something that you generally thought about when you were growing up?
Yes, like all the time, every day. It was always present in the back of my mind, but I know it was because of where I live. I don’t think I would have thought about it as often or the way that I did if I lived in a more diverse community but living where I did, made me stand out. It was something I thought about every day because I knew there were things that set me apart from the people around me like the color of my skin and texture of my hair. If I grew up in a more diverse community, like in an urban area, I wouldn’t have felt like I was in a bubble and would have accepted it a lot sooner. Still, I’m sort of grateful for it. Even though it sucked, it was still a part of my experience.
Was there ever a moment in your life where you rejected one part of your identity? Are there any times where others would reject one part of your identity?
Yes, I didn’t like being black, which is sad to think about now, but I didn’t want to be different. I was pretty much ashamed of it because again, I knew that it was the one thing that set me apart from others in my community. I started thinking maybe if I was more of this one thing, it would be different. Something that I notice is that people like to separate my race, referring to them as my ‘white side’ and my ‘black side,’ but the thing is they exist together because it’s me. I am both. It also depends on who I am interacting with. At home, people usually couldn’t wait to bring up the fact that I was black because that show how always was brought up in conversation. Here at wells, people typically talk about me being white more often, which was a big change.
What were some ideas you believe people had about your race?
Well, that’s the thing, no one verbalizes those ideas, but I can feel it. Mainly when I would be out with my family, because there are a lot of us and people would always give strange looks. I’ve had people assume that my mother had different fathers for all her children. In school though, some people were very ignorant and wouldn’t even acknowledge that I was also black. I was once told, “Wow I never knew that you were black, I just thought you were really tan.”
Do you ever find yourself acting differently when around a specific racial group? How did this dynamic change when you got to college?
Growing up in a predominantly white community, I feel like I had to try harder, especially in an educational setting. I felt like I had a point to prove. Other times, when some kids would be doing something bad, I made sure that I wasn’t a part of it. I felt that fingers would be pointed at me first, and it had happened. I learned how people would treat me based on certain aspects of my identity like my race, from actual instances I have felt and experienced. I quickly learned which things I can do and cannot do. I found myself quieter and more reserved to play it safe, in the classroom and other social settings. When I got to college, I was around a lot more diversity and people from different backgrounds, so it didn’t matter how I acted. I did not feel the need to act accordingly to my surroundings. But sometimes I still do feel that way but being in a setting where things like this can be discussed more openly and where there are others I can relate to, it makes it easier.
Do you think your race is a crucial part of who you are?
Yes, but I don’t think it should be because most times it is about how others perceive me based on my race, which then affects me. I don’t want me to be someone that relates everything back to my race and blame it for certain things, but it is important to highlight the differences in my experience because of this social divide.
Photo courtesy of Paetyn Burish