By: Zeinab Fakih
Why is feminism and boys often mutually exclusive? You’d think that every male has met at least one female that he’s had a positive attitude towards — that he wouldn’t want to make feel like any less of a person; yet on social media, in mainstream media and even out and about men look at feminism as a negative power drainer. That feminism somehow hurts them and that they can never associate themselves with the word.
I decided that was bull and thought there must be a reason for this. Are males just not as informed about feminism? Are we talking too much about how it affects women and minority/marginalized groups that men just don’t think it affects them at all? Is it — the most likely option — the extreme ‘feminists’ that make men feel inferior where they don’t want to be a part of something they deem negative? I asked a couple of my male friends about this. They varied from age to relationship status. Does maturity play a factor in your stance on issues like this? Are people in relationships more likely to stand by feminism and label themselves as one? So many questions that I’m about to get answered.
Now, I know these answers and opinions don’t apply to all men and I know people who have had bad experiences with men looking down at feminism. Who knows, maybe I’m just lucky and surrounded by great people who think of me as their equals whereas others may totally disagree. Hopefully that’s not the case and other men feel this way.
So, I decided to ask three of my guy friends about this issue. I was expecting my older friend to be more open to feminism and the ones my age to be a lot more nonchalant about the issue or even against feminism entirely because of extreme ‘feminists’ in the media constantly putting down men. That is not what I got at all — in fact, I got the complete opposite. It seemed that, even though it was only a couple years difference, the younger ones had much more to say and seem to see how men were to also benefit from feminism rather than have an us or them mentality. So beginning each interview with “I want you to be completely honest no matter how asshole-ish you might sound” we began.
When asked about their stance on feminism they all had basically the same answer: all for it…but not for the ones who seem to “take it [feminism] to an extreme” and just find any excuse to argue with a man and make everything a battle of the genders. That’s an answer I expected; it’s an answer that is shared by many too, not just males but other genders as well so it wasn’t that surprising. The consensus was: “it’s 2018, I don’t get why people aren’t all for it.” I then wanted them to tell me what came to mind when they heard the word ‘feminist’. One answer that struck me was “struggle”. I asked him to elaborate and he said he thought of “traditional feminists”, the kind we see in history class fighting for their independence. These answers made me feel a whole lot more comfortable asking for their definition of feminism to which I got, “a collect of individuals regardless of identity fighting [for equality]” — he broke out his sophisticated language for this, it was great — and the “equal representation of both genders”. I’ve had guys in the past tell me that feminism was about woman wanting to gain power over men so these answers were greatly appreciated.
Then came a question that I wasn’t sure about. “Would you consider yourself a feminist?” is a question that I kind of expected them to sort of dance around and avoid. I don’t really know why; I’ve never encountered a guy who will openly say “Yes. I am a feminist” mainly it’s just them avoiding the question. And, mainly, I was right. One said that he was for it and “it’d be cool” but it wasn’t like if anyone said anything bad about it he’d really do anything; not really providing me with an answer to that question.
Another said that he’d consider himself a “traditional feminist” but more so a “humanitarian per se.” Alright. Again kind of not wanting to take on the title feminist but still fully supporting equality. I was surprised when the third guy I asked just flat out said “yes…I feel like woman have been oppressed in past history and deserve to have a voice”. That really surprised me and I was very happy two out of the three didn’t avoid the question and actually said yes — even though one wasn’t a flat out ‘yes’ I’ll still take it.
Finally, I had one question I had to ask: Why don’t men talk about feminism and how can we change that?
They all had different answers but it was all very similar.
“I feel like they’re too scared to be looked down at by other men.”
“I don’t think people understand feminism in the right way.”
“I think it makes people uncomfortable.”
Why does the idea of equality make some men uncomfortable? Is it because they “feel guilty about things in the past”? Is it because “men are so used to getting what they want”? The friend I interviewed for this who was in his 20s said something that I think is a big reason men don’t associate themselves with feminism. He said it doesn’t really affect him and that it’s “not too important to me.” I thought maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s the fact that men just don’t seem to think it affects them and that they don’t need to care about it. But then one of the other guys I interviewed said the education system and learning about these injustices is what initially brought him into feminism. I asked one of my friends what she thought and she mentioned that the younger generation is filled with talk about equality and feminism whereas the older generation — even only a couple years older — just didn’t talk about it in the same way. Is it all just a societal thing?
Then, lo and behold I was on my way home from school that night waiting for the bus when a man who looked like he was in his mid twenties to early thirties stood near me on the phone. He said something that was so ridiculous to me. He was speaking to his friend over the phone saying it’s okay if a man is 40 and single but if a woman is “there’s something wrong with her.” As he said that me and another woman just looked at each other like, what the hell? And then he continues to laugh it off saying, “I don’t make the rules” as though it was some sort of unwritten rule that if a woman is not married and settled down in her thirties then she is looked at as though she is broken and needs to be avoided. I started thinking, was my friend right? Is it about age? Then again this man then started talking about how Black Lives Matter isn’t a good thing so maybe it’s just that he’s a dick.
But still; is the older generation just more tolerant of sexism? It seemed like it. It’s like men from older generations just don’t feel like they’re affected by feminism unless it benefits them directly. I know there are so many men who will gladly stand by woman but for some reason they’re hidden.
Dear men, learn more about feminism, get involved, we would greatly appreciate it.