Itâs become a common mantra to cut out the toxic relationships in your life. Nearly everyone agrees that carrying the extra baggage of judgment, manipulation, condescension, and everything in between is a burden not worth bearing, because yes, sis, you DO deserve better. What happens, though, when itâs your own behavior causing others to turn away?
Yes, itâs vital to prune your garden of relationships; on the flip side, itâs equally crucial to examine oneself for stray weeds and thorns. Itâs easy to point out all the ways another person lacks, but at the end of the day, the only path to growth is introspection. Introspection is a concept that may be unfamiliar to some, or perhaps just never had a name for the action before. Simply put, it is self-reflection, but in the case of this article, it is the act of looking deep within to find what weaknesses a soul may hold. There are many benefits to introspection, but the primary one is an overall improvement of oneâs quality of life.
How to begin introspection? The best way is to ask the tough questions.
Have I been harping on my family too much as of late? Do I expect others to drop everything for me when I donât perform any tasks in return? Am I critical of superficial aspects of other people, like the color of a girlâs hair or what that guy wore to class? Am I too critical of myself? If you feel a little uncomfortable and unsettled, thatâs okay â everyone feels uneasy when confronted with their own faults. This does not mean your mistakes define you. All it signals is that itâs time to make a change from within. The following tips can help you cut toxic people out of your life in 2018 and cut toxic behaviors out of your life 2018!
Here is a list of potential traits that could be interrupting your good vibes:
1. Youâre not comforting.
And you may not even realize it. I have a personal example of this. I used to be the kind of person who was, simply put, no good at providing comfort to a friend or family member when theyâd vent to me. Instead, Iâd list solution after solution followed by, âWell this worked for meâŠâ Although I had the best of intentions, I came off preachy and not helpful in the slightest.
How to fix it: First, I had to realize that my loved one could handle their conflict-resolution by themselves, unless they asked me directly for advice. I donât need to provide a WikiHow on fixing their problems. Next, I listened to what my friend needed. Sometimes that was just a hug and reassurance. Sometimes weâd swaddle ourselves in fuzzy blankets and watch Harry Potter until we fell asleep. Sometimes it was just that â listening. Finally, I looked inward to handle my own emotions. Do I let myself feel without restrictions, or do I immediately jump to solutions before I let myself fully recover from an issue? Whatever the answer, action should be taken accordingly to grow towards comfort.
2. You assume far too much.
And you know what they say about assuming⊠Youâve done it, Iâve done it, weâve all done it. The second an enigmatic text is received, oh honey. You gather all the screenshots, send them to your friends, and attempt to decipher what exactly this person meant. âShe didnât use as many exclamation points this time!â you insist. âShe must be mad at me.â Your friends send a frowny face emoji sympathetically. And so the debacle begins. Conclusions are jumped to at speeds Olympians only wish to achieve. Tears are had. People are ghosted. Itâs a tried and true mess. But for what? The next time you see her, everything is⊠actually fine and your assumptions are all baloney.
How to fix it: Replace assumptions with questions. Donât automatically assume someone hates you because their text was a little off. Instead, ask them how their day was. Maybe their text was off because a customer at work was difficult to deal with. Or maybe the best moment of their life just happened and theyâre busy with that so they didnât think too hard about the text they sent you. Whatever it was, itâs necessary to let go of assumptions. Ask the person whatâs up and ask yourself questions, too. Why am I overreacting? Do I have insecurities about my relationship with this person I have not yet confronted? Get to the root of your assumptions.
3. Youâre not empathetic/youâre self-centered.
And guess what the world revolves around. Hereâs a hint: itâs not you. We all know someone who makes everything about themselves. These are the people who might start ignoring you because they took something you posted on social media to be about them Basically, these people donât take the time to understand how youâre feeling because theyâre too busy thinking of themselves.
How to fix it: If you find yourself thinking that someoneâs social media activity has anything at all to do with you, just know: it probably doesnât. Also, look to maybe why you think the post is directed at you. Have you recently snubbed this person? Is there a conflict you havenât brought up with them? If so, then just talk to them. I cannot stress enough that most of your social anxieties can be soothed with a getting coffee with a loved one and chatting it up. If you have done something wrong, just apologize and grow from there.
4. Youâre petty.
And if you send one more, âKâ I will flip my lid. If you donât know what âpettyâ means, just watch The Bachelor. Really though, the contestants will take the way someone looked at them and amplify it into a fight. Even when issues are clear, these people will hold grudges to their grave. LET IT GO, KAREN.
How to fix it: Donât finish that subtweet, delete the draft, and take a deep breath. Think about it this way: is the similarity between your selfie and one posted by a girl you cannot stand actually worth the energy of posting on social media? Is it? The answer is a resounding ‘no.’ Analyze why youâre petty! Are you insecure? Do you feel the need to be right all the time? Figure out why something is getting your goat, and move forward.
5. Youâre non-confrontational.
And no, youâre not âbeing niceâ because of it. Susan has really riling you up as of late. If it was a one-time thing, itâd be no big deal, but every week, she cancels last minute on your plans. These are plans you showered for. Youâre frustrated and rightfully so! Like a reasonable human being, you decide that youâre going to take the situation and ignore it forever until your anger overflows and you blow up at Susan in the middle of a Starbucks⊠Well. Maybe that wasnât so reasonable after all?
How to fix it: Communication and clarity are key. If Susan keeps bailing, text or call her and honestly say how you feel. She will probably open up about why she’s been acting flaky.I firmly believe that even if you donât hear what you want, confrontation helps more than it hurts. Itâs difficult but itâs important in keeping relationships moving like a well-oiled machine.
These are just a handful of traits you might have! This way, you can avoid being a toxic person someone else cuts out of their life, improve your wellbeing, and live your best life. New year, same you — but with emotional and spiritual growth, amirite?
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