On July 19, 2017, I was asked a simple, yet powerful question by one of my friends. A question that, if I am being honest, I did not have the answer to at that time. The question: How do you know when you are over him?
Before I start, I should explain that my heart got broken on April 22, 2017, and the guy who broke it? My best guy friend from childhood. But the question, how do you know when you are over him, haunted me for days. A note stamped, July 19, 2017, was where I answered the obscene question, word for word, in my notes. Although, I never did send it to him.
Here it is:
Well, I don’t know. I guess seeing him happy with her actually helped. I saw how much he cared for her, and even though I saw how she didn’t share the same looks as he did, he was happy. My heart felt like it was ripping. Every night after el baile, (a dance), I would cry myself to sleep knowing that he is dropping her off, knowing that instead of me eating those tacos, it was her. It hurt, but I knew it would have hurt more if I had actually told him, yes, to leave her, and subsequently, seeing her in pain. I prefer being the one in pain because I knew that no one would tell me anything. And they didn’t. How could they? We were the couple they were rooting for. We were the couple they wanted to see get married. We were the couple that said that no matter what happens, no matter how many times we break up, we would always get back together. They let me drown for six months while I was wrapped up in his arms. It was a constant battle with the brain and the heart, knowing that he was still dating her even though every night he would be outside wanting to watch a movie with me.
In the end of that summer I said thank you, I said that I learned my lesson, and I wished him the best and even though I will always like him, I didn’t want him to contact me anymore. I told him to focus just on her. My sister claims I don’t laugh the same, that the smile I give is the smile I have perfected and that she hasn’t seen my real smile in a long time.
How do you forget the one that you argue with just for fun? The guy that told you that no matter what, you’ll always be friends? That he has your back? That without you, he isn’t the same? How do you forget the guy that took photos of you when you were at your ugliest yet claim you were the prettiest person he has ever seen? How do you forget the guy that came to your house confessing that he has turned into a smoker and drinker because he can’t find the same happiness/calmness that he had with you? Do you want to know how?
You drown because no one notices. You drown so bad, you stop eating and then you call him, you call him but never say anything. You call him just to hear him say hello. Even though I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore, I know if I see him it would be like hitting repeat on a song that you have to listen to your whole life. Ask me then, and hopefully, I will know too.
I do not know the answer, but I do know that heartbreak is not easy. Everyone experiences it differently. Some show it and others tend to just hide it by adding more walls. On July 19, 2017, my friend asked me: how do you know when you are over him? I smiled and said, “You just are.”