Some cliches prove to be painfully true. You know the ones I mean, about friends coming and going and about not knowing what you have until itâs gone (which Counting Crows turned into a stupidly catchy song, âBig Yellow Taxiâ anyone?). Yeah, turnâs out those are the ones thatâll come back to bite you in the ass if you ignore them. Since lifeâs a bitch and losing friends seems totally unavoidable, Iâve decided to impart some of my knowledge when it comes to the stages of losing someone close to you. Itâs not fun, but itâs also not uncommon.
Stage 1: Anger
Sure, not all friendships end in some dramatic fight. Sometimes they fade over time, sometimes you and your ex-bestie may come to some incredibly mature understanding that youâre better off without the other, but in my recent experience, the relationship ended in an all-out text war of harsh words. Hereâs the thing, Iâm not proud of anything I said to my ex-friend, who Iâll call Rachel (not her real name). Without diving into the specifics, Rachel and I had never fought before; in fact, I donât think weâd ever even expressed genuine annoyance toward each other. Our utopian friendship couldnât last, though, and everything seemed to fall apart all at once. In fact, one morning I woke up to a novel-length text from her, a litany of her grievances toward me which I had no idea sheâd been harboring. Naturally, then, my first reaction was to be hurt and angry, even a little confused. This stage sucks a lot, but do yourself a favor and save the stinging insults and nasty language–I promise youâll regret what you type after the dust settles and youâve both blocked each other. Itâs just not worth it.
Stage 2: Indifference
Welcome to stage two, indifference. Thereâs not much to say about this stage, except that itâs confusingly calm–almost numbing. In this stage, youâll likely convince yourself that you donât care about the person you lost, that theyâre dead to you anyway. Having shrugged that once precious relationship off as though it were nothing, youâll easily go on with your life, adjusting as needed by going out to lunch with someone else, for instance. But this stage wonât last. You wonât be able to hold back all of your emotions for too long, and youâll finally stop telling your other friends that youâre âover itâ or that you âdonât care anyway.â You do, and thatâs okay.
Stage 3: The Floodgates Have Opened
Ah, yes, the worst stage of them all. The crying-into-a-bag-of-cool-ranch-Doritos-while-watching-âPitch Perfectâ alone-stage. This stage is by far the most painful, but also necessary for moving on. If youâre adamant about maintaining the âcold shoulderâ or too stubborn, hurt, or prideful to go talk things out with whomever you lost, crying things out may help. This will sound melodramatic, but sometimes mourning the loss of a friendship aids in the healing process. Stop going over and over everything you did and said, find some peace within yourself, and try to get out all of the bad feelings. If you canât forgive the other person yet (or ever), forgive yourself for whatever your role was in the situation.
Stage 4: Mulling it Over
This stage lasts for a while, or at least it did in my case. Eventually, you will (probably) be able to step back from the events which led up to the friendship riff and ask yourself if you were really right. After getting out all of your more extreme emotions, the initial rollercoaster of feelings, youâll find an equilibrium and be able to speak with others about the situation more calmly and rationally. Try to talk to friends and family (or your dog) as objectively as you can; of course your bias will be impossible to remove, but do your best to tell the story of what happened from both sides. In doing so, others will be able to honestly tell you their thoughts without simply patronizing you–that doesnât help anyone. Be open to the idea of being wrong, and then youâll be able to more easily decide whether itâs worth patching up the relationship or not. A lot of times the answer will be yes, it is. In mine and Rachelâs case, Iâm hopeful that weâll find our way back to one another, but Iâm also not prepared to make a conscious effort to speak to someone who clearly doesnât want to speak to me. Mulling things over means thinking, talking it out, and time. Give things time. Just because youâre ready to be friends again, doesnât mean he or she is.
Stage 5: Moving On
Whether you become friends again or not, moving on can be a happy ending. Ok, here I go being cheesy again, but at the very least, such an awful experience could be an opportunity to learn about yourself and others. Rachel may have said some very rude, untrue, and downright bitchy things to me, but there had to have been a reason. Clearly my behavior upset her, and I had to evaluate that after the fighting subsided. In the end, we were both wrong, and I want nothing more but to apologize for saying some of what I said to someone who meant so much to me. At the same time, however, I quickly came to the conclusion that even though I regret my words, I donât have a desire to rekindle a close bond with Rachel. Her presence in my life was slowly becoming more and more negative, and Iâm just unwilling to re-enter into a relationship that may not enrich my life. In truth, Iâm happy now, though I canât say whether Iâm happier or not. In the end, itâs up to you to decide whether to invest your time and emotions in a friend. This time, the answer happened to be ânoâ for me, though I still love Rachel and wish her all the best in the future.