Recently, the writers here at Her Campus Gustavus have been discussing the tradition of a woman taking her husband’s last name and its current relevance in today’s social culture. We’ve had writers discuss reasons why they do not plan on taking their husband’s last name as well as writers who do plan to take their husband’s last name. This discussion got me thinking about my view on this topic as a queer woman. It should be no surprise that many traditions related to marriage are no longer culturally relevant. The man is no longer expected to be the sole breadwinner, the wife is no longer just expected to have and raise kids at home, and marriage is no longer only a union between a man and a woman. However, amongst these changes, very few people are talking about the tradition of a woman taking her husband’s last name as no longer culturally relevant. I am not saying that this tradition no longer has a place in our culture, which it absolutely does, as it is a sign of respect, love, and unity between two people.
My argument is not for or against the taking of a husband’s last name. I agree with and respect the views of both of these amazing writers and have no particular opinions of my own on this topic, as I will never have a husband. I will have a wife and there is no tradition regarding last names when queer people get married. My issue is with a realization I recently came to.
When talking about the possibility of marriage, I came upon the question of what I would do with my last name and I had no idea how to respond to this question. Since I was little, I was taught that I would marry a man and take his last name because that’s just the way it was. I was never taught there could be some other choice. Suddenly, it seemed to me that because I was a lesbian, I had a choice of what I wanted to do with my own name. This thought appalls me. I am a strong, independent woman with all the rights a man has, including the right to choose whichever name I want. I have always had a choice regarding my own name. Every woman, no matter who she is, has a choice.
The bigger issue here is what society teaches young girls in accordance to names. I was never taught that I had this choice. What I learned was that I would meet a man, get married, and take his last name. We need to teach our girls about all their rights and choices. If a woman chooses to take her husband’s last name out of love and respect, then I respect her. If a woman chooses to take her husband’s last name because she is afraid to go against the status quo, or she is afraid of how her husband might react if she does not take his last name, then I simply can not support her decision. I am angered at the society that has made her afraid. If a woman chooses to take her husband’s last name because she doesn’t know she has a choice, I worry she is letting go of her right to choose in other parts of her life, simply because she didn’t know she had a choice to begin with.
Not only do we need to teach girls that they have choices, but we also need to teach men about a woman’s right to choose and to not maintain expectations for their wives to take their last name. I have heard of husbands and wives keeping separate names, hyphenating their names, combining their names to create a new name, or choosing a completely different name, but I have not heard of a man taking his wife’s name. If taking your spouse’s name is truly a sign of love and respect, why is it so impossible to think that a man could love and respect his wife enough to take her name?
Women, you have a choice. Whether you follow this tradition or not is completely up to you. Make your decision based on what you want and what is best for you and your partner. Don’t let anyone or anything, such as an old tradition, make you back down. Be firm and confident in your resolve. You have a choice. You have always had a choice!