What is the one most essential and indispensable component of a successful and happy relationship?
Of course, replies to the preceding question may inevitably vary amongst its respondents. Some may say, love. Other may say commitment or loyalty or honesty. I, in turn, say vulnerability.
In my mind, a profound connection between two separate entities (namely, two physical bodies that have undergone differing experiences and grown up in separate contexts) is built through vulnerability and, in turn, authenticity and exposure.
In other words, I need my significant other to comprehend the multifaceted layers of my being (namely, my self-perceived deficits, strengths, concerns, passions, goals, and, above all, my experiences) and how these experiences have shaped me into the person I am today. This sort of connection, from my perspective, can only be constructed by way of vulnerability and authenticity.
Love, therefore, is a double-edged sword—something we so desperately and innately desire yet, within the same gesture, a prospect we are intimately afraid of. And yet vulnerability remains the key to intimacy and connection, a necessary and vital building block. Without it, our relationships are shallow and surface-level, lacking both depth and bond.
While we may attempt to appear collected and perfect, especially in today’s era of social media and the idealistic beauty norms these platforms convey, we are not, by any stretch of the imagination. To be human is to be intrinsically (and may I add beautifully) imperfect. Life is brilliant and exquisite, but, simultaneously, messy, and flawed. Perfection is an illusion—to be flawed and mistaken and imperfect is normative. Embracing imperfection, therefore, is, in part, to embrace vulnerability. It is to say that “hey, I am human. I make mistakes and I’m not, by any means, perfect nor will I ever be. Regardless, I am, nonetheless, deserving of love and every opportunity on the metaphorical table. Despite our mistakes, I will treat myself and my fellow brothers and sisters with respect and human compassion”.
Brené Brown, an American scholar, currently a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work concurs with these ideas, eloquently discussing them throughout her Ted Talk entitled The Power of Vulnerability. Successful relationships, she proposes, is, indeed, a direct byproduct of vulnerability itself. Illuminating the duality of vulnerability, she affirms: “and I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”
Indeed, to love may be one of life’s most fulfilling and elusive prospects. Despite, its accompaniment of emotional exposure and potential discomfort, “tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” (Alfred Lord Tennyson).
But, now that we have established the importance of vulnerability, how does one go about actually being vulnerable and authentic in their intimate relationships?
- Communication
When we first enter the dating scene, we inevitably try to put our best foot forward—that is, we present ourselves in the best possible light: flawless, strong, independent, and all that is perceived as good. In doing so, we may avoid the truth in pursuit of the ideal (namely, the idea of perfection and our active willingness to project such an image). When appropriate, however, it remains of the upmost importance we truthfully communicate our fears, doubts, hopes, concerns, insecurities, and problems. Because we are, evidently, two separate entities that cannot, by any means, read one another, analyze, nor predict what the other person may be thinking. Therefore, a fulfilling and relationship banks upon open communication and honesty.
2. Discuss the past.
To be alive is to have made mistakes and therefore, it is important we discuss the lessons we have learned from our mistakes. Exploring morals and ethics that are informed by our experiences is, indeed, a vital component of a happy, profound, and intimate relationship—communication and honesty, in turn, breeds loyalty and connection. A relationship means to accept one another—history, flaws, and all. As I have previously mentioned, I want my significant other to understand how my past informs my present and how it has shaped and will continue to shape my lived experiences, allowing for both empathy and support. Folk myths dictate that we stray away from discussing past relationships with our new-found partners, but, in my eyes, when appropriate, these conversations, in turn, serve to strengthen and deepen the connection, communicating the desire to reinvert the mistakes of one’s past.
3. Share your passions and ambitions. AND the reasons behind the goals.
Share your goals and aspirations, for these, more often than not, intimately disclose the things that are most dear and near to our hearts, often in such way that is more vivid and transparent than verbal explanations themselves.
4. CRY, when necessary. We are not statues made of steel.
“There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love” –Washington Irving