As someone who has struggled with a mental illness since about seventh or eighth grade, I find it very important to talk about mental illness, not just for myself (as a way to make sense of the mess in my head sometimes), but for everyone else, to help them understand people who share an experience similar to mine. It’s important to talk about mental health, not just during Mental Health Awareness month, but year-round, especially as the days become shorter and colder and symptoms flare up a little more.
I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD, a mental illness I was diagnosed with about 8 months ago. Generalized Anxiety Disorder actually has more symptoms than just anxiety or panic attacks, contrary to what the name says. The Mayo Clinic defines GAD as “Severe, ongoing anxiety that interferes with daily activities”. Which, for me, started with dizzy spells in the seventh and eighth grade that made me feel like I was going to faint in the middle of class, also leading to a panic attack which made me feel worse. For years, I brought up this symptom at the doctor’s office and they could never find anything wrong with me. Because of this, I chalked up to something being wrong in my head, and, in an ironic way, I diagnosed myself better than any doctor at that point ever did.
But GAD is more than just symptoms of anxiety. According to the Mayo Clinic, and also similarly told to me by the physiatrist I saw who diagnosed me, GAD mimics similar symptoms of panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and depression. The symptoms also include constant worry, restlessness, and concentration issues. All of which I suffered.
Having a generalized disorder is what made it hard for a while to figure out what I was suffering from because there are such a wide range of symptoms.
Other symptoms that can be experienced are back pain, which I had chronically during the months when I was the most anxious and upset. This also happens after I have a pain attack or sometimes before they occur, like a sign that I am about to get one. I also experience other psychological symptoms like extreme anxiety or fear, unwanted thoughts, obsessively going over thoughts, hyperawareness, easy irritation.
In addition to those that are listed on Mayo Clinic, they also list, “Perceiving situations and events as threatening, even when they aren’t, Difficulty handling uncertainty, Indecisiveness and fear of making the wrong decision, Inability to set aside or let go of a worry, Inability to relax, feeling restless, and feeling keyed up or on edge, Difficulty concentrating, or the feeling that your mind “goes blank” all of which I have experienced.
Interestingly enough, when I was searching for some extra material about this topic, I saw under physical symptoms, irritable bowel syndrome, which I do have. I also have Crohn’s disease. I am just a real collection of fun. After reading about it, I now wonder if my Crohn’s started because of my years of GAD. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease about two years before I even started therapy, and those symptoms started about the same time my anxiety did.
I guess in the beginning, no one was saw my anxiety being too bad because, while I was a perfectionist, I wouldn’t redo things until they were absolutely right, my grades never dipped below a 90, and I wasn’t avoiding school. I was a good kid.
However, there are days where I am extremely nervous for no reason. I usually hide it in front of people, but sometimes I can’t. I look over my shoulder or shake, but luckily, I was able to go to really great therapy and have a lot of good coping skills. Still, some days I am just sad, there is no other way to put it, for no reason. Beginning before the semester, and now especially at school, I will knowingly lock a door or put something away only to go back to check usually up to three times. While I have tried to curb it, somedays it just happens where it’s similar to OCD and coupled with the anxiety of my things being stolen, with fear that is irrational.
What I want people to realize after reading this, is that mental illness is just as serious as a physical illness. I am going to probably have this for the rest of my life, but that’s ok, as long as I learn to cope and manage the world. As long as the world builds accommodations for me and learns how to help me and understand me, then I’ll be ok. I just want people to take a step back and realize that sometimes people like me cannot help the way we act or feel. While we should be encouraged to not let this overtake our lives, because some of the things we are anxious or sad about can be overcame, some things just exist in a head for a while without reason. Sometimes I just can’t talk for a while because I feel like I have no energy, and sometimes I need to go lay down and sleep so that I can wake up feeling better than when I went to sleep. Some days I will be happier than you’ve ever seen anyone be, and somedays I will be so full of energy that I’ll feel like I can conquer the world. I just want people to understand that I need friends just as much on the bad days as I do on the good ones.
Thank you.