ICYMI in your summer-induced slumber, Amazon acquired Whole Foods on Friday for an inconsequential $13.7 billion, which is how much I will make when I am a bestselling author and the star of my own reality TV show. For most people, though, the news of this deal was a great source of anxiety, which, like good millennials, they took out on Twitter. Rather successfully, I might add.
There were a LOT of Alexa jokes:
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, buy me something from Whole Foods.”
Alexa: “Sure, Jeff. Buying Whole Foods now.”
Jeff Bezos: “WHA- ahh go ahead.” pic.twitter.com/GuJ2jlAiuU
— JESAL (@JesalTV) June 16, 2017
TV: Alex, could you go by Whole Foods?
Bezos’ Alexa: Buying Whole Foods.
Bezos: ALEXA NO
Alexa: Here’s what Wikipedia says about ALEXA NO
— KO ICHI (@mechakoichi) June 16, 2017
right now there are about 10000 tweets with the same “alexa buy me something from whole foods” joke. good luck to whichever one wins
— leon (@leyawn) June 16, 2017
…and Prime jokes:
Whole Foods Prime, the most organic leader of the Transformers.
— Jamie McKelvie (@McKelvie) June 16, 2017
“People who bought Whole Foods also bought…”
— Benedict Evans (@BenedictEvans) June 16, 2017
The section of Whole Foods that sells the really good cuts of meat will now be known as Amazon Prime.
— Tony Gatto (@gattotony) June 16, 2017
Some hypothesized what $13.7 billion would buy them at Whole Foods and it was #relatable:
I, too, spend $13.7 billion at Whole Foods.
— Slade Sohmer (@Slade) June 16, 2017
Amazon buys Whole Foods for 13.7 billion, roughly equivalent to 11 shopping bags of their organic berries.
— Warren Leight (@warrenleightTV) June 16, 2017
Problem is, spending $13.7 billion at Whole Foods only gets you one slightly used organic gluten free grape.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) June 16, 2017
Jeff Bezos spent $13.7 billion on Whole Foods…yeah he bought a large guacamole and a fruit cup
— Dollars Horton (@crushingbort) June 16, 2017
damn that’s like a salad and a small bowl of soup at whole foods https://t.co/YtvZfIw7Hv
— judgmentalgay (@jdgmntlgay) June 16, 2017
Others painted bleak scenarios for the present and future of this planet:
Amazon just bought Whole Foods, Donald Trump is still somehow president, and I’m not Evan Hanson yet. The world is truly upside down rn.
— Ryan McCartan (@ryanmccartan) June 16, 2017
if I am to understand this correctly…
Trump is bad
Jeff Bezos is differently bad
Whole Foods tastes good but is bad
I am bad
You are bad— eve peyser (@evepeyser) June 16, 2017
Amazon buys Whole Foods
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos
Jeff Bezos also owns WaPo
CIA pays WaPo $600 million =
Whole Foods is Deep State now— Benjamin (@beninmaitland) June 16, 2017
Amazon buying Whole Foods? What’s next, Walmart buying online men’s fashion retailer Bonobos?
— Stefan (@boring_as_heck) June 16, 2017
(Yes.)
ATTENTION HUMAN. WHOLE FOODS PRIME WILL NOW INSERT YOUR NUTRIENT DISC. DO NOT STRUGGLE. HEY DO YOU WANT A BLU RAY OF WILL AND GRACE
— mustard jackpots (@nice_mustard) June 16, 2017
in the future we get our healthcare, food & electricity from either google or amazon in exchange for data https://t.co/jD329tLEqP
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) June 16, 2017
Amazon wants to be a key player…
Scratch that.
Amazon doesn’t see why there need to be any other retailers.#bbcpm @bbcpm
— Ed Wilson (@eddwilson) June 16, 2017
Amazon Prime
Past: Free 2-day shipping
Present: Drones delivering quinoa
Future: Citizenship in the glorious city-state of Amazonia
— aj (@ajlkn) June 16, 2017
we’re not even gonna shop for food, alexa will fill your fridge with suggestions based on past meals and old tweets
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) June 16, 2017
While some expressed hope for an easier life:
If @amazon is buying @WholeFoods does that mean I can have my custom salad delivered to me via drone
— Miki Minaj (@miks_mouse) June 16, 2017
If Amazon gets rid of those stupid “GMO-FREE” stickers Whole Foods puts on every single item in the store, this merger will be worth it.
— Ben Dreyfuss (@bendreyfuss) June 16, 2017
2016: can I borrow your amazon prime account to watch that show
2017: can I borrow your amazon prime account to buy groceries at whole foods— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) June 16, 2017
I’m proud to be an Amazon / where at least my shipping’s free https://t.co/6EADLFgA4x
— Rhea Butcher (@RheaButcher) June 16, 2017
new 2 Chainz and I can Amazon Prime my avocados now. What a time to be alive
— Charlie Hulme (@charlie_hulme) June 16, 2017
amazon prime x Whole Foods juice/hot bar delivery will be the wave
— t.l. (@lylesknowsbest) June 16, 2017
So I can drunkenly tell Alexa to get me a slice of berry chantilly cake & a drone will deliver it to my door? #WholeFoods #Amazon
— DV (@LSMav) June 16, 2017
Honestly, this feels like the rightful culmination of madness that we, the avocado toast generation, had coming at us. At least if I can’t buy a house until I’m 60, I can lay all my hopes and dreams in the ability to order small-batch organic hummus from my bed. Better than nothing.