Open Letter to My Rapist

*Trigger warning: Sexual assault*

Dear XYZ,

You know who you are. I won’t call you by your name because you’re not worth the personal recognition. 

I’m angry, XYZ; I’ve been angry for more than a year now. Every time I hear your name, see your face, or remember that night, a fire explodes in my mind and my body grows tense. Reminders of you bring waves of cold numbness over me that can last anywhere from a few hours to a few months. 

I’m confused, XYZ; what did I do to deserve your abuse? I knew you, and you knew me. We dated, whether you would have called it that or not. I cared about you, and I mistakenly thought you cared about me. You spent time trying to make me feel like I was worth respect and in an instant, you made me feel like I was worth nothing.

I’m sorry, XYZ; I’m sorry I didn’t report you to the police when I should have. I let you stay the night that night instead of kicking you out, seeing as I didn’t want to accept what had just happened. I was in denial for over a month. I wish I had gone to the police immediately so that maybe I would have had a slightly higher chance of being believed. Unfortunately, I know that my chances of a courtroom victory are and always were virtually nonexistent.

I’m tired, XYZ; I’m exhausted from all the anxiety you’ve triggered in my life. I began having almost daily anxiety/panic attacks once you moved to Santa Barbara. You didn’t realize I knew you had moved here, did you? Your face popped up on my Tinder app. Seeing the words “3 miles away” has haunted me ever since. I’ve been in a downward spiral since that moment many months ago.

I hate you, XYZ; I hate you with every fiber of my being. I don’t like to wish bad things upon anyone, but I don’t wish good things for you. I will eventually accept what occurred that night, and I will eventually stop hating you. I reject the notion that I have to forgive you to move on, and I can promise you now, XYZ, I will never forgive you.

You made a decision for the both of us that night, XYZ. It was a decision you can never take back, and we will both have to live with that decision for the rest of our lives. I may be hurting now, XYZ, but I will not hurt forever. 

• rape
• sexual assault
• trigger
• trigger warning