I am the girl that your boyfriend has been sneaking around with. When things started between us, you two were not even together. Somehow we ventured our way back into each other’s lives, but now you’re here too. I don’t want him for my own, I don’t want him to be my boyfriend at all. I’m happy to have him in this way, the way I want it, on my terms.
When things started to get extra steamy, I was very cautious on who I told, obviously. You think absolutely no one knows, but a few do. I couldn’t bite my tongue when it came to my roommates, because sneaking you in and out of the apartment got too hard. For the longest time everything was strictly phone between us. Phone sex and sexting, which I had never really done with anyone else before. You’ve actually opened me up to this whole new world and I can thank you for it later when I apply it to a real relationship someday. I know it’s risky, it has been since day one and I knew it.
There were many times when I wanted to back out. Then I sat back and thought, what am I afraid of? As long as I keep my mouth shut, and I know he will, then the fun continues. Mainly there is a huge sexual bond between us, but there is more. We actually have built such a good friendship since it’s been going on for so long now. Maybe that’s weird, but he has helped me so much with my stupid life and girl problems. He listens to every complaint, and is there ready to give top-notch advice.
He cares about me, too. And he tells me all of the time. Which makes me feel really special. Because the boy that I am actually in love with (he knows this too), doesn’t give a damn and would never give me the amount of attention that this one does. He’s really just filling an empty hole in my life, that I felt I needed filled in for the time being. Maybe it sounds needy, and maybe it sounds pathetic. He has a girlfriend, but I’m not trying to take him away or ruin it. Their relationship struggles sometimes so I try to benefit him in any way that I can. He makes me feel good about myself daily, and I don’t feel guilty anymore.
I used to come home every night, and debate and or actually go through with deleting him on SnapChat. That is where all of the conversations happened (because they disappear, smart right). I’ve never been so excited to see a message pop up on my phone before. I like the sneaking around, I like the adrenaline rush that it gives me. Overall, I still know that this is wrong. This small act that I’m performing in, it’s not who I am as a person. I think of myself as a really well-put-together individual. I just have a dirty little secret.