I tend to have this version of myself that is uncontrollably emotional, unreasonable, and unpleasant. What’s worse is that this version of myself only comes to life and acts out towards my significant other. I assume things, grow high expectations, and overthink everything between us two. This causes me to question him, but it’s not intentional; it never is. At least I never thought it was. He thinks I doubt and distrust him, but that’s not the case. It’s because I fear losing him.
I’m not alone when it comes to this. Girls tend to act like this in their relationships. It’s almost like this horrid version of ourselves interrogates our significant other. We get too caught up in ourselves that we question the trust in our relationship. We start to repetitively ask where he is, what he’s doing, why he’s doing it, and so on; we get too clingy. Eventually, this gets so obnoxious that our relationship builds tension. We have no other choice but grow distant because we’re too involved in a relationship. This can cause us to ask the worst questions possible, such as: “Why do you even like me? Why are you with me? Do you want to be with me anymore?”
Do we do this as a test, or do we actually mean these things? I don’t like to believe it’s either. I ask these kinds of questions periodically because I have emotional thoughts that overwhelm myself. The worst part about this is that I can’t say sorry enough for it. I can see that I hurt him and make him doubt my trust in him every time I ask, yet I continuously do it anyway. I don’t have any intention in hurting him. The problem is that I’m too caught up in myself to realize what I do. By getting reassurance, I’m trying to save myself from hurt. I need to know whether he’s really there for me and cares for me. At the same time, this is unfair to him. He doesn’t deserve to feel untrustworthy, dishonest, or small because that’s not who he is. To him, saying “I’m sorry” over and over again loses meaning overtime. But none of this is done intentionally.
Girls, we don’t ask for reassurance for our own enjoyment. It’s not because we don’t trust our significant other. It’s because we give these guys our hearts and that’s not something we hand out to just anyone. We act out this version of ourselves because caring deeply for someone special makes us feel us crazy; insane even! Our significant other holds out hearts, and we don’t want it to break in his hands. A woman’s devotion isn’t BS. It means everything and to see that get wasted hurts. By seeking reassurance, we’re trying to avoid that hurt in any way possible. I only wish it didn’t involve hurting the one I love.
I wish I didn’t seek reassurance, but I need it. It’s not because I distrust my significant other or enjoy hurting him. I seek reassurance to protect my heart. When I give my heart to someone, I trust in that person to keep it safe; I trust in that person to keep me safe. I constantly seek reassurance to make sure he never leaves me or thinks about leaving me because that’s one of the biggest fears in a relationship. And I know you girls can relate. When we grow close to someone, we have this fear of losing that person because it’s not hard to. These guys can leave at any second in our life, and we need to be reassured that he won’t break our heart. Our significant other may find this version of ourselves extremely obnoxious and overwhelmingly emotional, but we can’t help it. It’s a necessity when it comes to being in a relationship because we fear not knowing the truth. We fear not knowing whether we’re truly loved or not.