Ah, Valentine’s Day, always filled with those red, pink and white colors, spreading love and sweets on the day of el Amor y la Amistad. And when you’re single and have friends and family whom are well aware of your relationship status, they feel the need to always stress out the “fact” that Valentine’s is also the day of “friendship, not just love”.
But, if we’re going to be honest about this, people, plis, it never is about the friendship part aside from the candy and tiny cards you hand out to your buds out of loyal obligation (or everybody seems to forget that Valentine’s Day is also about friendship. Supposedly). Because El Día de los Enamorados more or not-less emphasizes on the awesomeness of being in a relationship. And again, you are not.
So, to all of you single people out there who dread this day and wish they had never decided to commemorate Saint Valentine’s death (or simply just want an excuse to get the sweets Walgreens sells in abundance), here I give you a walkthrough and guide to all the sh- I mean, things you have to deal with and how to actually enjoy this day of giant stuffed animals carrying giant stuffed hearts and candy constantly reminding you of the wonders of having a significant other when you don’t have one:
1) When you wake up and realize it’s Valentine’s, the dread is real like a haunting of your family lovingly telling you in your still drowsy mind “¿Y los novios/novias? ¿Cómo están?”
But you bear through it, get up and pick out the most shockingly red outfit you can find and show off to Saint Valentine how fine you are (sass implied).
… That or access the dark soul that you have been carrying around throughout your whole time in university and go all black while not giving tres c*rajos about standing out amongst the crowd and baring the tropical heat with uncaring determination.
2) But when you reach the University, what do you hear? SERENATAS.
Songs of love paid for by romantic beaus or secret admirers to their sweeties and performed by the Tuna or whatever other university music group there is. And as much as you wistfully wished the sudden musical interruption in class was for you, it isn’t.
Well, at least you can join along the nosiness everyone else seems to be enjoying at the cost of the chosen sweetie: “¡Ejeléé! ¡Uuuh!”
3) Throughout the day you see people with dozens of balloons wrapped onto their backpacks as if at any given moment they will be flying away like Carl in Up, or carrying the aforementioned giant stuffed animals in their arms along with the accompanying candy, courtesy of their media naranja. And then you start questioning why don’t you get huge ass treats like that?
But then your buds pop out of nowhere and give you handfuls of chocolates from a bag and may even go as far as giving you cutie stuffed animals the size of your phone. And then everything is all right again with the world.
(And also, shameless mouth-stuffing yourself with them chocolates ‘cause you really needed that sugar R&R).
4) When you thought high school was over and the cliques had dissolved, no mijita, maturity didn’t grow up that much. Because while there are couples who live out this day to the max, there will always be people who sneer at them and scatter away like Gollum when they witness such lovey-dovey joy. And so, you start to see new cliques begin to form and divide: to one side, the happy couples, all giddy and completely immersed in their sweet loving,
… and on the other side, the single Gollums who feel like the happy couples’ presence is a slap in the face.
The annoyance is understandable, but the slap in the face does not have to be there. Because it’s either the overhype for Valentine’s Day that some might feel as excessive (again, it’s friendship day too) or the single peoples’ secret yearning to one day have a sweetie like that that brings about those Smeagle-like sentiments. But hey, in the meantime bea decides to show up, treat yourself as if you would want to be treated by that special someone. And that includes candy. And going out with them other single friends so you can all cheer yourselves up and celebrate that other thing Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about.
5) An honestly terrible thing to happen on Valentine’s Day: when you’re calmly strolling around and you meet up with your ex carrying a bunch of Valentine gifts. For his/her new beau.
It’s all right, just let it be known to said ex how she/he is sadly wasting all those sweets when you are so much worthy to be lavished. Too bad, so sad, and too fabulous to care.
“Sí, soy demasiado regia para tus amores de m*erda.”
6) If you need to go somewhere on Valentine’s, try to go around with headphones on your ears. Preferably with very loud music so as to not hear the smooching and cooing from couples scattered before you.
It’s okay, no need to get annoyed to the point of feeling murderous.
It’s only for a day. In the meantime, just put the knife back in your pocket, walk away, don’t take off the headphones and go and get some ice cream with bacon. Because bacon makes everything better. And ice cream is the epitome of comfort food.
7) You decide to go to the movies, searching for that escapism from the big screen. You are extremely careful in choosing a non-romantic movie, filled with action and good comedy, and you hide from the world in the dark confines of the theater, content on this day.
… And a few rows back and below from you, the swarm of couples have given you no mercy by invading your enjoyment, reminding you of the single life you still lead. The cringiness begins again and you mentally begin to beg at them.
If you’re feeling daring though, and that little red devil on your shoulder is starting to please you with ideas, slyly slide down your seat and throw popcorn at them if you refuse to leave the movie theater just for their convenience (as justified by you). If they’re too engrossed with each other, you can do some target practice. If they do notice, think of yourself as the mole in the Whack-A-Mole game and slide down to hide every time they look back at who it is that is distracting them from eating each other out (hold the puns). Or run away before they kick your ass.
8) It might happen that a moment of weakness may overcome you, a desperation for somebody to hold close, hug tight, kiss hard and calm those hormones. And your confused, horny self comes up with the brilliant idea to make a booty call…
… But the only one you can think of to call is your ex.
Well, at least you sobered up enough to not completely destroy your dignity against such filth. Now go and buy that special little thing you’ve been denying yourself just ‘cause it’s a little out of your budget. You deserve such lavishness! It is a day for pleasures, right?
9) Obviously friends should always be there for you. And sure they are. As long as they’re single. And don’t have any Valentine’s Day plans with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Which is a problem when you call them to hang out and accompany you for mutual companionship and comfort and they can’t because they’re not single like you.
If so, learn to be with yourself and enjoy your solitude however you want that makes you feel good. Pick a spot under a tree, away from everybody else; go to a secret place on the beach, feel yourself refreshed and not caring if anybody is there to see your hot bikini bod. Valentine’s Day is the day to cherish the human being you should most love: tú, cariño.
10) But if you still get annoyed over Valentine’s Day and no amount of sweets and giant plush animals you get for yourself is enough to make you feel better, then pretend it’s just another day in the calendar. Be chill and watch a funny movie whether with your friends or alone.
Or if you really want to loosen up and yell out to the world how great you’re feeling on this day of days, put some non-romantic, party-pumping music on, and dance like no one is going to post this as a video on the Internet. Or at least your friends won’t.
11) And finally, if it were that you’re one of those who hopeless romantics that relentlessly yearns for someone to claim as their valentine but never seems to get one…
… do not fret.
Do as a friend of mine once did when she was alone (and her boyfriend abroad. Just the idea of it, you know?): when you get home, grab a big shirt and stuff it with pillows. Then print out a large portrait picture of your crush/platonic love that you found on Google (make sure it’s high quality. We want this to feel as real as possible). Stick the picture onto a cardboard for firmness (no pun intended frescos), cut the cardboard around the border of the picture and stick it with tape on to the would be neck of the pillow body you have made. Now hug it firmly.
Until your parents or roommates find you with a questionable face. Then answer them with this:
… and…
‘Cause it’s Valentine’s Day. Now go and make yourself happy, you sweetie you.
Photo credits:
scoopwhoop.com/ Via imgflip.com
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happilyunmarried.com
giphy.com
popkey.com
buzzfeed.com
grabhouse.com
desimartini.com
rebloggy.com
scoopwhoop.com